Self-Care, Success, and Apples

**Note: I write more when I notice multiple ideas synchronizing at the same time... this is one of those posts. That also means this may be a bit scattered... **

I'm big on self-care. I used to be horrible at it, or at least it was misdirected. I would over-exercise, deny myself yummy food, and get up early/stay up late. I thought it was healthy because that's what everyone tells you-- "everyone" meaning american culture, hollywood, magazines, and TV... when I think about it that way, it's pretty clear that all of those have become the same thing. I digress...

When I went into my Ordination Interview last week, one of the questions they asked me was about where I saw myself in ministry in 5 years.  As someone seeking a first call, logistically a 5 year window lands you right on the cusp of transitioning from the first call to the second. So really, I could have said any number of positions-- senior pastor, specialized associate pastor, solo pastor, campus minister, social service chaplain...

I briefly responded to his question by saying I will likely head for the parish, but I'm open to however the Spirit moves me. And then, I followed it up by saying:

"AND... I want to be in a healthy place." 

The man who asked the question, who is also a pastor, laughed (I don't know why, perhaps he assumed I meant a church that was healthy). Despite his laughter, I continued speaking because being healthy is so important to me as a person, a partner, and a pastor. I went on to say that we have lost a serious understanding of self-care in ministry and that if we don't cultivate pastors and parishioners who put in the time to take care to themselves, then we are going to lose church all together.

I am one of the biggest self-care advocates that I know and it's largely because of the shift that happened for me in seminary-- going from an exerciseaholic to someone who takes time to rest. I know what it's like to think I'm resting, when really I'm stressing myself out, depriving myself of sleep, and working too hard. True self-care is something I learned during field ed in seminary, not through the seminary itself. There was very little evidence, institutionally, that self-care was of any import. Yet, my mentor had developed incredible boundaries for herself that she wanted to pass on knowing that as a young pastor I would soon be swept up into a congregation who wanted to work me hard. Being a young female, and the product of a generation that is always connected to something (thank you, technology), I often feel like I need to prove myself. I buy into the myth that working harder, longer, busier hours will get me everything I need to succeed in life.

But what is success anyway?

And especially success at the expense of one's health?

I am grateful to Rob Leveridge, a brilliant UCC pastor and singer/songwriter, who wrote a blogpost today about apple trees.  Rob asks the question: What is the purpose of the apple tree? We think it is to produce apples, when really it is to produce more apple trees. Rob writes, "People think apples are the plant's reason for being, because WE love to eat apples, and we cultivate and groom the trees to get their fruit. But from the tree's point of view, the apple is just a part of a process that serves a bigger goal. It's a delivery system for the seeds." So if success is not our fruits, then what is it?

Success is embodied in the seeds we plant. This means that the way we live our life, the legacies we leave for those who follow us must be seeds worth reaping. What does the way you live your life say to your children? Your parishioners?

So, I understand self-care as the manifold practices of ritual and activity and/or lack thereof that help us to maintain a healthy emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental well-being. This can be anything from a nap to a walk in the forest to watching a movie to using all of your vacation days to blogging to playing with your kids or your dog or your partner just because. Perhaps it's spontaneous, perhaps its a ritual... but hopefully it is sacred and life-giving.

When we live in ways that honor our bodies, honor G-d, and honor each other, we plant seeds for future generations that say:
       
      There is more to life than busyness.
                  Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed.
                           Take care of yourself.
                                                                 
                                                           Pause.         Breathe.

                       
                                 
              Do what is life-giving. 

                                                                          Is your life giving?

At Koinonia on Sunday, we experienced the last installment of a sermon series called Generation to Generation. Each week, to my understanding, the pastors invited folks from the highlighted generation of that week to respond to a few questions that helped the congregation understand more about their generation. Questions like: What was the most significant political event of your time? What does the grace of G-d look like for you? What was passed onto you that you remember most? This last week we heard from the Builder Generation (those who were greatly influenced by the Great Depression and WWII). Over the course of the conversation, we heard from these folks how the lives of their parents or grandparents gave them support, strength, music, opportunities, hope. And we heard about how their lives are giving to their children now....perspective, stories, love.

Generation to generation, our lives give... so do what is life-giving.


Last thing...  It was important for me to tell the committee that I hope to be in a healthy place because now they can hold me accountable to this commitment. I feel more dedicated to taking care of myself and finding ways of taking my Sabbath because I know there are others who will look to me as an example. I am a woman of my word... especially when my word is life-giving.