[feelings and realizations]

This gut-wrenching feeling.

It's been around for three weeks.

Homesickness?
That's what I named it.

I convinced myself thats what it was.

Living into that pain.

I realized.

That's not what it is.

I miss church.

I miss familiarity.

I miss family.

But not like that.

This is something deeper.

Some deep longing whose grief went unmatched.

Until it hit me.

Like a ton of bricks.

It's not the longing for physical places and people.

It's the realization of fulfillment.

Or should I say, a lack thereof.

A lack of satisfaction.

A lack of pleased emotions.

I don't come home satisfied.

I struggle

and I will continue to struggle.

For at least I've recognized it.

At least I paid attention enough to know,

with God's help,

that my deep gladness

is not meeting the world's deep

need.

The world has so many needs

and I'm meeting one

but I am not dwelling

or rather, working

where my gladness lies.

And I always say,

"But that's where we learn:

in the midst of discomfort,

that's when we grow."

I am uncomfortable and just

maybe

I'm not stretching enough.

But I know

with deep dwelling conviction

that my heart

and my passion

and my soul

lay in the depths of people

and of ministry.

But here I am...

in the midst of people

doing real life ministry.

Perhaps Buechner meant

"The many places

God calls you to

will meet the worlds deep need

but only so far as you

are willing to broaden your

idea of what brings you

joy."

I love my work and especially

the youth.

And one day I will be at the

crossroads

where my deep gladness

meets the world's deep

need.

But until then, I will

love the time

enjoy the journey

learn as I go.

It doesn't get any more

holy

than that.