+==shucks==+

Dagnabbit...

I had some brilliant thought earlier but i have since lost it. so I dont remember what I was going to write but it was going to be way cool.

I'm reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and its AMAZING. I love it. I'm 1/3 of the way done in two days. That's big for me. I can hardly put it down. In the book, I just left italy and am on my way to India.

I'll give you an update at the end!

peace love happiness.

adios

+==can't believe it==+

It's been three years. 

Three years without him. 

Three years a family has been down a member.

Three years a youth group has been without a youth.

Three years we have mourned over this loss.

It's taken me three years to stop crying. 

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

I remember when we used to watch his stupid videos which resembled the show "Jackass."

I remember when we watched him set off a bottle rocket in a church parking lot in KY. 

I remember when I used to think he was so weird.  He was only misunderstood.

I remember the moment I was told he had died so vividly. 

======> We had had three students commit suicide in our high school that school year.  But now it was May 24th 2005.  I received a pink slip in band (4th block) asking me to immediately come to the office.  There was supposedly someone waiting for me there.  I got teased out of class and took my stuff and strolled to the office.  I get there and see Megan Brennan (a current youth group advisor), tissues in hand, crying.  I asked what was wrong and the only things that came to mind was "is Leah ok?" Leah, who is our associate pastor and my mentor.  No, it couldn't be.  I wonder if Jim, our other yg advisor, is ok. Russ? Roger? Andrew? Crap, what's wrong.  And she said, "Honey, Shawn died this morning."  She could barely get it out.  I dropped into her arms and lost it.  I wasn't Shawn's best friend... I don't really even remember any conversations I had with him. But it was a loss. Another loss in my life that I really didn't want. One that made this opportunity for life seem so obsolete.  Megan and I held each other in our arms as we cried in the office.  I was in shock.  "what happened? When? Does everyone know?" "The only thing we know is that he was in a car accident on his way to school. His mom called the church and let us know so we're trying to let everyone know.  I didn't want you to find out any other way. I wanted to tell you."  I was heartbroken for our church and his family who had lost someone with so much creative talent and incredible ability to a stupid accident.  Of course I was too stunned to really think about it. I had two teachers walk by me in the office and ask what was wrong and I simply said someone from my youth group had died in a car accident and they gave me a hug, told me they were sorry and moved onto the mailbox room. Megan said that they were calling all the youth group members houses to tell them what had happened and that they were opening the church for us to come over and think and process, cry and pray.  We were all planning to meet around 6. But after we parted from the school I called a Sara on the golf team and told her what had happened and that I wasn't coming to golf practice.  Then I headed over to Jennifer's house and I don't remember why because she, Lindsay, and Ellie had all set out for senior trip that morning.  Linds and Ellie were both in youth group and loved shawn dearly.  I guess they found out and cried all the way to New York (people probably thought they were crazy).  I went to church that night and we sat and talked, stood and cried, circled and prayed.  It was too hard to get anything out. I didn't know what to do. Ali, in the midst of prayer turned to me and hugged me and we just stood there, tears on shoulders, hair in mouths, distraught. We lit candles. One of all of our most beloved memories of him was his love of fire and pyrotechnic-side. He was funny.  Always wanting to light stuff on fire (hence the bottle rocket) -among other things. It was hard. I had one of my friends the next day tell me "well, its not like he was your best friend or anything"-- I was like yea, right, like that makes a difference. Jerk. i was pissed.  Anyway, we sat at church for a good five hours just processing and crying, trying to figure out what had happened and how we were going to cope with it. (I remember Leah telling me later on that that night she went home, sat on her porch, cried, and lit a cigarette.  She doesn't smoke, but it was one of those stressful moments.) Leah had managed not to cry while we were at church, but it was definitely her pastor coming out of her so she could show support for the rest of us. I had never seen so many youth gathered at that church before.  The following day, after school, two of my golf girls brought me a plate of cookies and a card. I just about lost it again.  The card said something to the effect of sympathy, and we're here if you need us. It was amazing. 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

So here we are, three years later. I don't know that many people will remember, I mean, youth group kids. There are a select few, but it could be out of sight, out of mind. Whatever it is, I hope people still realize how much of an asset he was to us and how much of an inspiration he continued to be. 

===================================================

Another story:

We went on a mission trip just three weeks after he had died and it was to Washington D.C. Shawn had signed up to go because he loved the one in Kentucky so much the year before. Anyway, we walk into this church sanctuary where we were holding devotions. Ellie, Lindsay, Leah, Ali and I look up at the front of the sanctuary and there is the most amazing stained glass window we have ever seen. Leah and Lindsay turn to the rest of us and say, "Shawn would have loved that." And they couldn't have been more right.  Now, mission trips had always been a revival of faith and a time for thought, especially when it came to devotions. Every night on that trip, the five of us would stay up until 3 am  -easily-  talking and mostly crying. It wasn't easy to get over. Only a few weeks had passed and it was still vivid.  We did this on each mission trip following. (It got less intense as we went on.) 

***************************************************************

Final story:

He was one hell of a musician.  He could play guitar and sing like no tomorrow. He played with Andrew when we were in KY. Before that, at the graduation service at church, he and Andrew played the DMB song, "Where are you Going?" It was great.  After shawn died, our tech guy at church made us all copies of him and andrew playing at that service. It's now on my iTunes, and i love it dearly. 

####################################################

Alright. So here we are three years later. I miss him. I wonder all the time what he would be doing right now. I think about all the stupid stuff he did and how he died in a car accident and not by catching himself on fire, or getting hit by a car as he was trying to jump over it.  

What were God's intentions for our loss? 

Why was it important to happen then?

What happened?

A lot of times I believe "Shit happens" and sometimes I believe God really does only put people on earth for a short while, like God did with Enoch. But still. I wonder.

I'm sorry I didn't get out to the cemetary today...

We miss you Shawn. We always have and always will. 

RIP Shawn Harnden 1987-2005

===aw man===

I have some habits I seriously need to


..........................K......................................

.....................................I.......................................

.............................................C.........................................

.......................................................K........................................

... yea...

I'm pretty sure I'm a closet skeptic....