Wow. Wow. Wow. What a couple weeks it has been.
I don't know that I've ever come to realize so much about myself in such a short period of time. Last time I wrote I was learning how to overcome worrying... and without a doubt I have never been more content with my life in terms of these things. I've realized that worrying isn't worth it. And as soon as I realized that, I came to find that life went smoother. I wasn't caught up in all sorts of anxiety and frustration I had been feeling before, I was doing homework at a slow pace and while it was all still getting done, I was also having fun. It's an incredible feeling. Let's just hope that when I get back to Elmhurst I'll be able to replicate it and somehow manage all my responsibilities for the fall (which will be much more than what I have here!). But I'm not worried:)
In other news, I had a nice chat with my friend Kristen the other day when we were on our way to the beach. We are kind of like accountability buddies. (As much as I'm not a huge fan of that word (accountability, not buddies), I've come to realize it is more of a divine word than I thought.) We check up on each others lives- academic, home, and spirit. I love chats with Kristen. We may not see eye to eye on some things, but it has been with her that I have come to realize so much about my life. In our discussion on the bus we covered so many things. But then I started talking about this group that I have been going to on Sunday nights (ex-ile) and how I emailed them and told them I couldn't go that night because we would be getting back late. Well, we weren't getting back late, I just had work to do... so I made up an excuse. But truth is, I didn't need an excuse. I'm not obligated to that group. But nonetheless, I thought i would at least give them a heads up that I wasn't coming. So it's all good. Then Kristen said something and I realized, I don't need them. You know how at the beginning of this semester I was FREAKING OUT because I didn't have a community to join. THEN I was so excited because I found ex-ile! Well, I came to understand in our conversation that I don't need them becuase I need a group, I needed them because I was trying to replace that emptiness of not having a community like the ones at Elmhurst. But I don't need to replace them. The Niebuhr Center, UCC fellowship, my close friends, Tuesday Night Worship... I can't replace those. I can't even come close. And I don't need to. Those are my communities which I love and adore and it's good that I can't replicate or find a substitute for them. If I could, then they wouldn't be the communities I thought they were. Besides I have had more religious and theological conversations being here than I think I have ever had with my peers. And it just comes in normal conversation. I have a couple evangelical friends, a jewish friend, and a moderate Shane Claiborne loving friend. Between the several of us, conversations have been amazing. They have been the source of my comforted spirit. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I have been all about the conversations lately. I realized (see I told you, so many realizations... or maybe I just need a new word...suggestions?) that I process better verbally and through disussion than journaling and blogging. Perhaps it's because there's someone on the other end asking me questions and challenging me to think, but whatever it is, I'm glad I've got it figured out.
I had a discussion with my friend Monica the other day. She texted me in the morning asking if I wanted to meet up at Momento to have coffee. I told her that would be fine and I would meet her at 3 because that's when I got done with class. So we met up. I was nervous because I thought she had something she wanted to talk to me about... I don't know why I had this assumption. Maybe because every time freshman year I had coffee with one of my really good friends, it was to talk about whether or not I should transfer (her argument was always too weak to keep me there: I don't want you to leave.). So I went in a little cloudy, but came out bright and sunny. We sat there for three hours! THREE HOURS! Time flew. We talked about everything from geography to friends to ignorance to theology. Our beliefs may be similar, but our theologies are quite different. It was good to talk about it though to hear it come out of my mouth, and to hear a differing opinion. (We both agreed Campus Crusade for Christ should change their name... Crusade? I mean, really?) Anyway, near the end of the conversation, as the sun had gone down and I sat wondering what time it was (as we needed to be off to the bus stop at 6:30), Monica began telling me about how she came to New Zealand in expectancy, not expecting. Let me explain:
She said that when you come expecting, you set in stone something things that should be. For example, one of our friends EXPECTED to have easy work, EXPECTED to do all of these crazy things, EXPECTED to have amazing weather the whole time-- and when she didn't have easy work, when she didn't get to do all the crazy stuff she wanted, and when she realized the weather was getting crappier, she was let down. However, if you come in expectancy, you learn that if you expect God to change you, but don't give God the "hows" of the change, then you aren't as disappointed in the end, and you are changed in ways you never thought possible. Monica came here to fulfill this idea of who she wanted to be. She's always had this picture of what she will look like in the future and this was one step to help her get there. This astounded me because (as I explained later in our conversation) I came for the same reason. I wanted to change. I didn't want to be the same mundane, over-worked, addicted to technology, bland self I was before. I came looking for adventure- something I lacked severely. But being here has changed me.
It has changed me beyond what I thought. I only came with the expectation that I would become adventurous, but I have become so much more than that. You can see that too, I'm sure, from reading all my blogs. I have learned much about myself. I've grown in ways I wasn't "expecting." Monica asked what about me has changed, how have I grown. And this is what I said...
I've learned to appreciate life.
That's it. Everything else stems from that. When I get home I plan on NOT being attached to my computer or phone, being more willing to play outside, go on new adventures, be with my family, and HAVE FUN. I've learned that life is so much more than what's on tv, who's online, the texts that I receive. I've realized that one lifetime is not enough, so I need to enjoy it.
One last thing. Here's a quote I quite enjoy by Eleanor Roosevelt:
The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.
So there you have it.
I am getting up off my ass and living my life!
(p.s. I thought the blog needed a change.)
