[Witness]

Witness (by Denise Levertov)

Sometimes the mountain
is hidden from me in veils
of cloud, sometimes
I am hidden from the mountain
in veils of inattention, apathy, fatigue,
when I forget or refuse to go
down to the shore or a few years
up the road, on a clear day,
to reconfirm
that witnessing presence.

[Just Don't Know]

**Inspired by the spoken word performance I went to last night and the conversation that followed.**

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Prayer is a litany

a liturgy---

the work of the people.

Prayer is words

no, more than words--

a conversation.

I squeeze out words through my teeth,

out of my fingertips.

Sometimes onto paper--

mostly into the dense air

hoping that maybe, just maybe

I'll hear a voice.

Hoping maybe, just maybe

a bush will turn ablaze.

Prayer--

the work of the people.

Prayer--

not just soft words spoken to the immense

sky up above

or to the back of my eyelids

trying to find God wherever I can

to tell her how I feel...

saving it for a moment that is just between us

because no one else understands.

Not just sweet whispers

Sometimes firm demands

Sometimes angry shouts

Sometimes painful tears

... too painful to speak.

We try to make meaning--

cuz that's what we're told.

We try to hold back tears--

cuz that's what we're told.

"Why?" they ask.

Why?
Why?

Go ahead and ask my "Why?" one more time--

because for the last time I'll tell you...

I JUST DON'T KNOW.

I don't know why it hurts.

I don't know why this joy has me beaming.

I don't know why life has people stuck in vicious cycles

of oppression and violence.

I don't know.

Can't that be enough?

Prayer--

my litany.

my liturgy.

my words.

My sometimes soft, sometimes angry

words.

My hopes, fears, joys, doubts, desires, pain, struggle.

My words.

For when I don't have the words.

But I am confident.

They're Gods words too.

She feels... this... too.

Above all else

my prayer-- my words--

are our words.

They acknowledge that this pain

these desires

these hopes

....are real.

For all of us.

one people.

bound together.

by God.

[awake my soul]

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life..."

props to ej for introducing me to this piece of perfection....

[good friday truth]

I recently heard the phrase, "We are Easter people living in a Good Friday world."

Here's part of that world... yet another truth spoken by a client...

"... because the economy is so fucked up you can have two jobs and still be on the streets."

[resurrection pt. 2]

Quote of the day (so far):

client: "You always brighten my day."

me: "[laughing] why is that?"

client: "I come up in here and... your smile. It just brightens my day!"

"...whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." (matthew 25:40)

[resurrection]

Quote of the day from a client who recently got a job and loves it and is doing well:

"Yea, man, it's like I just kicked heroine. It feels like after six years I'm finally awake!!"

[Holy Week in the trenches]

This is my May Congregationalist article.

.

Last week at work we had two days that were just brutal. On Wednesday, it seemed as though everything that could have gone wrong went wrong-- not only did we see over 100 youth but we were severely understaffed. Then on top of what was already a stressful day, several youth came in due to various housing and personal crises and a few youth with psychosis and manic disorders had breakdowns. Then, to finish off the week, on Friday a young female client attempted suicide by sitting on the freeway on-ramp after we closed. (Fortunately, she failed to do so because our response and that of the police was immediate.) As you can imagine, it left me with a heavy heart the rest of the day. It was impossible to focus and hard to bear.

In order to take care of myself Wednesday night I cancelled all of my plans and slept from 9pm to 7am-- arguably the longest night of sleep on a week night this year. Friday called for a different kind of self-care, though. I needed to escape. I needed to remind myself that there was something bigger than death, because the story of near-death was just too big to handle that day. Two of my roommates and I went up to the observatory which is in north Los Angeles on the top of a mountain. As we approached the building, we felt wind... wind so strong that it moved me. (No, really. I had a hard time standing.) It wasn't the only thing that moved me, though. We stood at the edge of the building and looked over the city. We saw orange, red, white, yellow, blue lights. We saw cars moving up and down the streets. We saw Dodger stadium alive. We saw Hollywood buzzing with activity. We saw where the horizon meets the ocean. It was incredible. I said to my roommates, "I think this must be what it feels like to be God." I can imagine my clients roaming around Hollywood Blvd doing drugs and sleeping on the streets... I can imagine all the different people working and having fun... I can imagine the unique-- both good and bad-- stories of the 4 million people that coexist there at the base of the mountain. There was so much going on in LA, it became overwhelming to think about. So that's when I looked up to see the stars and the moon and the dark night sky. Instead of being overwhelmed with the city, I became overwhelmed with God.

In those couple of hours at the observatory I was reminded that it was a good thing Jesus conquered death the following week. This was the first Easter that REALLY mattered, in that sense. This is the first time that it actually meant new life and resurrection for me, on behalf of my clients who are still waiting for the stone to be rolled away. I have Good News to bring to the homeless youth of Los Angeles: Death will not have the last word. Jesus is alive. Christ has risen, indeed. Hallelujah!

[oh, right.]

A thread being passed around the social networking world...

Remember when teachers, public employees, Planned Parenthood, NPR and PBS crashed the stock market, wiped out half of our 401Ks, took trillions of TARP money, spilled oil in the Gulf of Mexico, gave themselves billions in bonuses, and paid no taxes? Yeah, me neither. Pass it on.

[open me]

...

God of the Resurrection, God of the living,

Untomb and uncover all that needs to live in me.

Take me to people, events, and situations

And stretch me into much greater openness.

Open me. Open me. Open me.

For it is only then that I will grow and change.

For it is only then that I will be transformed.

For it is only then that I will know how it is

To be in the moment of rising from the dead.

Joyce Rupp, "Watered Gardens", May I have this dance?

[difference]

"You know, me and Jesus, we're of the same heart.// The only thing that keeps us distant//is that I keep fuckin up."

-Indigo girls.

[imperfections]

I am falling in love
with my imperfections
The way I never get the sink really clean,
forget to check my oil,
lose my car in parking lots,
miss appointments I have written down,
am just a little late.

I am learning to love
the small bumps on my face
the big bump of my nose,
my hairless scalp,
chipped nail polish,
toes that overlap.
Learning to love
the open-ended mystery
of not knowing why

I am learning to fail
to make lists,
use my time wisely,
read the books I should.

Instead I practice inconsistency,
irrationality, forgetfulness.

Probably I should
hang my clothes neatly in the closet
all the shirts together, then the pants,
send Christmas cards, or better yet
a letter telling of
my perfect family.

But I'd rather waste time
listening to the rain,
or lying underneath my cat
learning to purr.

I used to fill every moment
with something I could
cross off later.

Perfect was
the laundry done and folded
all my papers graded
the whole truth and nothing but

Now the empty mind is what I seek
the formless shape
the strange off center
sometimes fictional
me.

----elizabeth carlson (thanks to inward/outward)

[sacrifice?]

"Let us ask God to make us true in our love, to make us sacrificial beings, for it seems to me that sacrifice is only love put into action." --Elizabeth of the Trinity

.

And I can't help but ask... Jesus said in Matthew 9:13: "I desire mercy not sacrifice."

.

I struggle with sacrifice a lot... that is, figuring out how to be empathetic and stand in solidarity when you're not considered one of the least of these. To me the question is always: How far am I supposed to take this? How much sacrifice am I really supposed to participate in?

.

Of course, when it comes to Jesus' words, I always feel as though literal action/interpretation is necessary. But is it? Particularly as I am placed in this current context of being a Protestant in a very Catholic organization... (and, while seemingly liberal Catholics, still very much about the sacrifice of Christ and therefore the sacrifice of our personal bodies/minds/spirits).

.

So I don't know what to do with it. I was told the other day: "Jesus died on the cross so we don't have to." Ok, thats mercy..not... sacrifice. That makes sense.

.

Is mercy sacrifice in itself? One definition of mercy is "the feeling that motivates compassion." So because i am a person of faith, i am merciful and because I feel mercy, I become compassionate... but someone can be compassionate without taking action, right? So is that where sacrifice comes in? We sacrifice of ourselves because we are compassionate? Last time I checked compassion was an "awareness" type of feeling.

.

This is really disjointed and it feels like a chicken/egg/who came first conversation.

.

I invite your thoughts..... please.

[lost]

A youth came in to MFP today in suicidal crisis because he didn't know where else to go.

.

THAT is the kind of agency we are.

.

Thank God.

[time]

Time is neutral. It can be used either destructively or constructively. I am coming to feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than the people of good will. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.

---- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.; Letter From Birmingham Jail (April 16, 1963)