Friday, August 27, 2010

[living the questions]

Here is a conversation that happened just this morning between myself and our executive director at MFP:
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heather: so, are you a coffee drinker?
emily: no. I'm not a big "hot drinks" person. I want to like tea, but I struggle with that too.
h: yea, I feel you on that.
e: And my roommates think I'm crazy because unlike some/most of them, I don't drink alcohol or coffee or smoke, so they ask me what it is I spend my money on.
h: so then what is it? Do you collect things? Do you like music?
e: Yea, I love music. But I don't know... it's not like I replace it with anything because I never started with any of it.
h: So then, what is it that makes you happy?
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We talk about living the faith questions of life all the time, right? Making sure we're constantly asking questions of ourselves that help us become more engaged in the text and with each other. But today, I'm living a different question. What makes me happy now probably won't be the same in ten years. So I'm living with it. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't know what makes me happiest. According to my last post, it is working in the church or for the church. But is that really it? Is that really what makes me happiest?
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So let me ask you that which Heather asked me... what is it that makes you happy?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

[my love]

maybe I'm getting ahead of myself and maybe I'm making early assumptions... but God's call is God's call, right?
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I had a conversation with the Committee on Ministry of the SW Assoc. of the Michigan Conference of the UCC (phew, that's a mouthful) last December and they had asked questions of me and my year of service including: What happens if you get to the end of the year and don't want to go to seminary anymore? Will you follow that? Will you recognize it?
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That hit me like a ton of bricks. I got concerned and I opened myself up to God's call on my life. I thought that yea, maybe I would recognize it. I hoped that I would follow it, even though it wouldn't be what my heart had been set on for six years. But perhaps something new would arise in me.
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It hasn't.
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Don't get me wrong--I love the work that I'm doing here at MFP. Absolutely love it. But it isn't where my passions lie. I miss talking about the church... I miss having the deep theological conversations. I miss being in that environment. I love working for the [wider] church. And I know my work now is benefiting people all the same, but it isn't the same. I have to sneak on my computer at work in the morning just to read my Inward/Outward or Sojourners or Still Speaking Devotional. It's frustrating. And here at MFP, I can't even talk about my faith with the youth because we're not a religious organization... which is actually why I chose this place (which means I guess I can't complain). But I'm not trying to complain. I'm just recognizing and responding to God's call. I loved being at church on Sunday and singing NCH 391 by heart. I love blogging about theology and faith. I love talking with people about their spirituality and their relationship with God.
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[deep breath]
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I suppose this all means that this year, I need to be finding myself ways to do all these things outside the workplace.
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It is certainly the road less traveled by... and I guess we'll see where it leads, with God's help, of course.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

[putting on an apron]

So here we are... one week of work down. I feel like I've been here for months. It's challenging, you know, managing everything and trying to be your best at work, contributing everything you can at home. It's not just challenging, it's exhausting, quite frankly. Being a grown up is hard. Manageable, most days, but hard.
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I've been going to church at Mt. Hollywood Congregational just a few miles from my house. The pastor, Rev. Rachel Cuipek-Reed is phenomenal. Her love and compassion and passion for the church and the congregation is more than evident in her words and actions. The church itself is small but has a huge spirit. Right now (read: it's summer) there are only a handful of people but it is incredibly diverse. I love it. Today Rachel preached on Jeremiah's call AND Jesus healing on the sabbath. It was a perfect mix of words to preach if for no one else, then me, this morning. Praise be to God. She talked about one of the presenters at a Church Revitilization conference she went to in Atlanta a few weeks ago. The presenter said that instead of helping the "new member class" gain their sea legs by offering his help and support through the coming weeks, he tells them to "Take off your bib and put on your apron... You can of course eat the meal, but you must also be the host. You can of course eat the meal, but you must prepare it."
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This was essentially the call of Jeremiah... "Do not say I am only a child...I have put my words in your mouth... I have appointed you a prophet to the nations... " Take off your bib and put on your apron. God provides for you to be the host and do your work as a part of the Kingdom of God... as a part of the church.
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In my hectic and chaotic days at My Friend's Place, I often get bothered by the busyness and forget the impact and importance of my work. But now i know. I need to strip myself of that bib and put on an apron because that was Jeremiah's call and that is my call too.

Friday, August 20, 2010

[Passover Remembered: by Allah Bozarth-Campbell]

(We were given this poem at orientation and it moved me to tears. I pray it does the same for you.)

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Pack nothing.
Bring only
your determination to serve
and your willingness to be free.

Don’t wait for the bread to rise.
Take nourishment for the journey,
but eat standing, be ready
to move at a moment’s notice.

Do not hesitate to leave
your old ways behind—
fear, silence, submission.

Only surrender to the need
of the time—to love
justice and walk humbly
with your God.

Do not take time
to explain to the neighbors.
Tell only a few trusted
friends and family members.

Then begin quickly,
before you have time
to sink back into
the old slavery.

Set out in the dark.
I will send fire
to warm and encourage you.
I will be with you in the fire
and I will be with you in the cloud.

You will learn to eat new food
and find refuge in new places.
I will give you dreams in the desert
to guide you safely to that place
you have not yet seen.
The stories you tell
one another around the fires
in the dark will make you
strong and wise.

Outsiders will attack you,
and some follow you,
and at times you will get weary
and turn on each other
from fear and fatigue and
blind forgetfulness.

You have been preparing
for this for hundreds of years.
I am sending you into the wilderness
to make a new way and to learn my ways
more deeply.

Some of you will be so changed
by weathers and wanderings
that even your closest friends
will have to learn your features
as though for the first time.

Some of you will not change at all.
Some will be abandoned
by your dearest loves
and misunderstood by those
who have known you since birth
and feel abandoned by you.
Some will find new friendships
in unlikely faces, and old friends
as faithful and true
as the pillar of God’s flame.

Sing songs as you go,
and hold close together.
You may at times grow confused
and lose your way.
Continue to call each other
by the names I’ve given you,
to help remember who you are.
You will get where you are going
by remembering who you are.
Touch each other and keep telling the
stories.

Make maps as you go
remembering the way back
from before you were born.

So you will be only the first
of many waves of deliverance on these
desert seas.
It is the first of many beginnings—
your Paschaltide.

Remain true to this mystery.
Pass on the whole story.
Do not go back.
I am with you now
and I am waiting for you.

[The Summons: by John Bell]

We sang this song at our missioning mass at orientation for JVC. It really struck me. Read it not just as lyrics, but as though God is speaking to you... right now.

The Summons by John Bell

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name? Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same? Will you let my love be shown, will you let my name be known, will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name? Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same? Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare? Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name? Will you set the pris’ners free and never be the same? Will you kiss the leper clean, and do such as this unseen, and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the ‘you’ you hide if I but call your name? Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same? Will you use the faith you’ve found to reshape the world around, through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord, your summons echoes true when you but call my name. Let me turn and follow you and never be the same. In your company I’ll go where your love and footsteps show. Thus I’ll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

[life editing]

"Under constant revision is the poem that I be..." [Blue Scholars]

Here I am. under constant revision. Not the kind where you erase whatever's been written, but the kind of revision to which you add new and wonderful things. Life is constantly new and wonderful.

and under revision.
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"Writing what it is into what it ought to be..." Revision for me has always been a chore. Something that takes a lot more time to think about and work on than the original piece... whether that be poetry or a story or (heaven forbid) my history thesis. It was always a hassle. And I think that's mostly because it meant that the first time around wasn't good enough. I hate not being good enough.
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But now I've realized, thanks to the Blue Scholars and I guess props to God too, that it's never been about "not being good enough." It isn't even about improving. It's about building. Building upon. Building blocks. Building something new. Treading a different road. Having new experiences. Taking chances. Living life.
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That's what I did in Pittsburgh. That's what I did at Cornerstone. That's what I did in Guatemala. That's what I did in New Zealand.
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And that's what I'm doing here in LA.
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I'm giving myself more to work from. I'm learning from trial and error. And as much as I may hate it, it's good. It's humbling. I've never really understood that word... "humbling".... but now I get it. And it is an incredible feeling.
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Back to revisions. As a poem... my life is constantly being revised in the sense that I am building and adding and changing. That's what life is about. Being challenged and encouraged amid the revisions.
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Tell me, what parts of your poem are under revision? What have you experienced? What's being built? What's changing?
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Praise be to God for these things.

Go listen to Blue Scholars: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzDfFr-5Tbs

Saturday, August 14, 2010

[beginning days]

"We don't have much"... "but it's enough."
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That was said in our house tonight and it really hit me. We are living simply. There's no doubt about it. Our house is bigger than we thought it would be, but it's simple, you know? Minimal furniture, not a whole ton on the walls, old stuff, in need of repairs, enough food... but not a lot.
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This JVC business is hard. It's a total learning experience. Don't get me wrong, I knew both of those things coming in, but it's now more real. We are not only working at a direct social service organization, but we are living in community, living simply, and cultivating our spiritualit[ies]. It's a lot of work. Not to mention, we have to get used to an entirely new [big] city.
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It's just a lot.
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But I'm ready for this challenge. I'm ready to see how God works in the lives of those who have little [meaning: both my community and those at my organization]. For those of you who haven't heard much about my org, it's amazing. The website is myfriendsplace.org. It is a drop-in resource center for homeless youth in hollywood/LA. We serve ages 12-25 and their children. We teach parenting classes, have a free clinic stop by, give youth a place to shower and get some hygiene supplies, have a meal, do employment workshops, help them learn how to use the internet effectively, offer them food and clothes to take home, and more. It's a safe place to hang out without judgement-- which is something they really need. We have a few hours for drop-in during the morning and then again in the afternoon. Last friday, we went to My Friend's Place (MFP, my organization) to meet up with Frank, my boss. He took us around the city to each of the organizations with which my casamates and I will be working. Dave, one of my casamates from Evanston, IL, is also working with me at MFP. Anyway, so Frank took us to see all of our places and everyone's org really fits them and we all love them. Here's the rundown:
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Kat: Caracen (Central American Resource Center)
Ben: Chrysalis (Homeless Employment Center)
John: Homeboy Industries (Gang -Rehab)--- LOOK THIS PLACE UP!
Shannon: Disability Rights Legal Center (self-explanatory)
Dave: MFP
Hannah: St. Francis Center (mostly a food bank)
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Needless to say, we will be having most excellent dinner conversation.
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So, like I said, we are doing more than just work. We have to figure out how to work as a community. We share our resources, our money, our time and our talents in order to make life feasible. Our first task when we got to the house was splitting up bedrooms. We have 5 of them and 7 of us, so four people have to share two bedrooms. We got it figured out after maybe two hours of talking and deciding what would be best. Ben and Dave are sharing one room, Kat and I are sharing the other (we have a balcony!). Everyone else has a single room. The second task was cleaning. Our house is not very clean. I mean, it just looks like groups of people have been living in it for a few years... which they have. Junk has just accumulated over the years so we went through the main floor these past two days and just cleaned it up and threw stuff out. There's a lot of JVC related stuff that we aren't getting rid of for nostalgia's sake, but otherwise, it's being pitched. We feel better about it already. Kat and I are going to start on our room today in the midst of doing laundry and shopping for non-food items.
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Speaking of food, yesterday went on our first grocery shopping trip. We managed to buy most of the basics and dinner supplies for around $90. We go to the PeterPan Market around the corner. Here's what I love about this situation... we are living in Koreatown, go to a Central American grocery store, and see all kinds of people everyday. Dorothy, we're not in the midwest anymore! And I love it. I've been craving diversity, and I finally got it! For the year we each receive $90 per person, per month for food. That gives us $630 to eat every month. I think we can do that. It sounds ok. We were left with a lot of food (some good, some bad/old) from the last people, so that helped some too. We'll be scraping the bottom of the bucket some months, but for now, "we have... enough."
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Last night (Saturday) we cooked the first meal for our house. Well, Hannah cooked the first meal for the house. Shannon helped her while the rest of us were cleaning the house. We're going to have some chores to divide up amongst us because while Hannah is a GREAT cook, we're going to need to share in all that responsibility. I've got Fried Green Tomatoes on my list to make :) Here's what we had:
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Parmesan Roasted Potatoes
Green Salad with tomatoes and avocado
Peas and Carrots
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It was amazing.
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So there you have it. That's my update. As I write it's Sunday morning and we are all off to church at some point. I'm going to Mt. Hollywood UCC at 10:30 while everyone else is going to St. Brenden's Catholic at 11. There was interest by a few people in our group to go to my church sometime, which I think would be awesome because really, Jesuits are just UCCer's with a Catholic flair. Most, anyway...
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I can't get online too much at home so I'm hoping I'll be able to post at least once a week. We have to spots in our house that get internet-- Johns room and Hannah's room. So, we'll try! If not, maybe I'll take a weekly Saturday trip to a coffee shop or something.
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I currently have so many things I want to post (songs/poems) but I'll just pick one and share the others later.
I just found an Inward/Outward (inwardoutward.org) post that I printed off in my journal. It's fitting for right now... how serendipitous...
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"What does it mean to be a disciple of Jesus today? Discipleship today still involves risk and personal upheaval. It involves the relinquishment of our job security, personal comforts, family protection and allegiance to the culture. Discipleship to Jesus requires solidarity wit the poor, adherence to nonviolence, love for everyone, community life, public action for justice, contemplative prayer, eucharistic celebration, and worship of the God of Life. It opens the possibility of failure, loss of reputation, irrelevance, loneliness, pain, suffering, persecution and imprisonment. it not only calls for an alternative personal, social and economic way of life, but demands that we give up our very lives to accompany Jesus as he continues to carry the cross today in the nonviolent struggle for justice and peace.-- John Dear
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Amen.

Friday, August 6, 2010

-let this be my prayer-

The Christ's Breath (by: hafiz)

I am
a hole in a flute
that the Christ's breath moves through,
listen to this
music.