Tuesday, October 27, 2009

+appalled+

I am appalled at our world.
It would cost $10 billion less to get Basic Education, water and sanitation, reproductive health for all women, and basic health and nutrition for ALL than the amount of money spent in Europe on cigarettes...

are you kidding me?

We HAVE to do something about this...

Global Priority$U.S. Billions
Cosmetics in the United States8
Ice cream in Europe11
Perfumes in Europe and the United States12
Pet foods in Europe and the United States17
Business entertainment in Japan35
Cigarettes in Europe50
Alcoholic drinks in Europe105
Narcotics drugs in the world400
Military spending in the world780

And compare that to what was estimated as additional costs to achieve universal access to basic social services in all developing countries:

Global Priority$U.S. Billions
Basic education for all6
Water and sanitation for all9
Reproductive health for all women12
Basic health and nutrition13

Source31

Sunday, October 4, 2009

+comfort+

I dont know if anyone reads this anymore, but i have just a few thoughts.

I went to church this morning empty handed and came back with a purse full of literature.

Bethel UCC in Elmhurst is the most welcoming, loving, beautiful church i know. I would say this about FCCBC but I don't know what it's like to be a stranger there. I love this church. I always have. I would have done my internship with them, but I had a thing against going to a church that had JUST had an intern (the previous semester).

ANYWAY back to my story.. I get there and I always feel so welcome. Several people greet me, and not just with "hi" but with questions and the like. I met at least 5 new people today and it was fabulous. They invited me to stay for fellowship hour and to come again and to attend various events. It was such a fabulous environment. Not to mention their sanctuary is modern and simple and gorgeous.

Their pastor is able to be in a conversation kind of mode while he preaches as he stands behind the podium but leans forward to rest his arm on it.

I don't know how to describe this... maybe you too have experienced it... but its so much more comfortable than the other two church in town, even though I interned at one. (And not to say I don't like them, I just like going somewhere where I know I will be welcomed and talked to.)


I suppose that's all... A place to call home. I think I'm going to start attending there fairly regularly... but there are still a few churches in the area I would like to explore too, so we'll see how things go. Bethel has a "contemporary" service the second sunday of the month.. i should check it out... I wonder what they consider contemporary...

Oh and did I mention they're the only ONA church in Elmhurst? Superb...



This is their sanctuary at Christmas...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

+Home+

Being home is hard.

After being home for a week and a half I went to Guatemala for our 09 Mission trip.

I don't know a better word than "hard." It's like everything I knew was ripped out from under me... twice.

I got to Guatemala and couldn't process. All I could think about was how much I missed NZ and how similar some of the mountainous views were. We did a drive one day that was so much like driving on the South Island... I wanted to cry.

I didn't know where to be. I wanted to be present in Guatemala and for the most part, I was... But I think this part of me that wants to be in NZ is going to remain for ages because it was such a great experience with incredible people and it just went too fast.

So then I finally got comfortable in Guatemala and we had to leave. When I had my exit interview (something we're doing for a future video), all I could talk about was community... the community that surrounded me when we were sleeping on the floor of the DFW airport... the community that surrounded me at our first night of devotions... the community that surrounded me every morning at breakfast and night at dinner... the community that took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself (for those who don't know, I got a concussion... story for a later date).... the community that played the cup game endless times and variations... the community that laughed, lived, loved, sang, built, and cried together for ten days. It was the best mission trip anyone could ask for and I was there.

But then it was gone. We talk about mountain top experiences and how we have to come down from them to continue doing our work in the world off the mountain top... but sometimes I wish we could stay... just a little longer.


So two back to back incredible experiences... how does one cope?

I want to process but I think my brain is exhausted from it... It's ok... i'm not concerned... i'll process and think about it when I need to.

But for now...

I need to let it all soak in....


and might as well mention, 24 days till I reunite myself with the third most wonderful place on the planet... Elmhurst College.

Friday, June 26, 2009

~Finding God::24~

...in Bungy Jumping...
























Putting faith in a whole lot of little tubes of elastic is tough...

trusting God shouldn't be...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

~Finding God::23~

I regret.

I regret a lot of things...

Not in a painstakingly awful way... I just do...

But, I have learned from them. I didn't make a mistake, I just didn't do things the way I should have. And I've learned... that's the important part, right? Let go of the past because theres nothing you can do about it now, and learn. Soak it all up and take it for what its worth.

Learn and apply.

That's all.

Monday, June 15, 2009

~Finding God:: 22~

(This was typed as my brain thought... welcome to sporadic part of my life...)


It's all come down to this.

It's the end.

It's the place I never thought I'd reach.

I thought I'd been gone weeks ago. I didn't even think I was going to get on the plane, actually. Did you know, I never wanted to come here? I only did it because I felt obligated to do so. Ok, ok, maybe it was divinely inspired. But, I don't know. I was never settled on coming here until about, oh, maybe halfway through? I never felt comfortable or at ease with it. It took a lot. A lot of trust in God, a lot of faith that I would make it through, a lot of patience with my heavy heart. a lot of a lot of things.

I wouldn't trade it for the world. This has been the most amazing experience of my life. I don't want to get too into that yet. I'll save it for a future post when all the goodbyes have been said, planes have landed, and I have slept in my own bed :)

But seriously. Let's think about this. I just arrived in New Zealand four months ago.

And now, all that I've known for months is going to be swept out from under my feet. I want to know if I'm going to land on my feet... or on my ass. They always say going back home is the hardest. But I think I'm ready to take it on. It's going to be good. I'm actually not too worried about it anymore...

But I am going to miss things... I've known something so similar but yet so different for 16 weeks. In all reality, that doesn't sound like much. And compared to a lifetime, it isn't. But, nonetheless here we are.

I had my last laundry day last wednesday. Tomorrow will be the final vacuuming of "my" room. I only get to sleep in this bed 5 more times. These are the final moments with my friends. The friends I never thought I would make. I'm finished with two of three classes. One more test. Last few times taking the bus (thank GOD). Turned in my last essay today. Soon, no more crappy dining hall food. No more runs around our beautiful campus, in beautiful weather. My best NZ friend has gone home for break.... that might be the most depressing bit... to know that I may never see her again, in person (we have to hold out for technology (skype) these days).

Just when I started feeling at home...

Packing. Pitching. Giving away. It all seems so final. When I'm at Elmhurst, I know I'm coming back.

I'm not coming back.

And I will have to live with the fact that I didn't live it up enough. I'm trying to not regret things. And for the most part, I'm more than happy with how the semester went. We always have things we wish we could have done differently. I have mine... but they're not major. It happens.

So maybe I do get too caught up in schoolwork. Well, I have a feeling that will never change. It's who I am (whether I like it or not)... it's engrained in me. But I have learned self-care (a very important thing that needs to be put in my "When I'm a pastor..." book). I have learned how to take time for myself, how to enjoy myself and still get work done at the same time.

I also know now that I can move away from home. If I can live on the other side of the world and still keep contact with my family, going anywhere, doing anything, and flights! oh my gosh! It's all going to be a piece of cake. Initially, anyway. I know I will have my difficulties. But this has made me realize how independent I can be. Truthfully... this has been an eye opening semester.

So much happened at home over these four months (and, we should really include feb.... so five months)... and I've come to understand that yes, I like to solve problems, but I can't be there for everyone every step of the way.

But I'm going to miss meusli for breakfast every morning at 9am. I can get it at home (it's called granola:]) but it won't be the same. I'll miss hearing amanda's laugh in the caf usually at dinner... and I don't even know amanda. I'll miss being able to run over to Telayna's window and seeing what she's up to. I'll miss my little room which has become my space. I'll miss the very cheap fruit market that is just a couple blocks away. I'll miss the genuine Kiwi kindness and hospitality. I'll miss my sunday night group, Exile.

[got distracted for about an hour... i think that means this post is done]

I'll be back when I get home and semi-readjusted to give you a post-update.

Unless of course I find God in Sydney, which is very possible... I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

~Finding God::21~

Someday ... or Now?

Clarence Jordan

You can't come face-to-face with the kingdom of God and respond, "I like this idea of the God Movement, but you know, I got a spouse and some children. I gotta raise them, and let me get them up out of the way and off to college and get them through college and let me get my house paid for and all these things. And then, when I get free from all these obligations, I think it'd be nice to retire into the kingdom of God."

Jesus said, "The kingdom of God just isn't an old folks home. You don't retire into it. I want you to get busy NOW."


This quote from Inward/Outward excites me and scolds me all in the same breath. I love it because it helps us realize the immediacy of the Kingdom of God here on earth. It helps me re-focus and realize why I'm here. Of course school is important, but I need to ask myself everyday, "How did I help build the Kingdom of God today?" I keep saying, "Oh, I'll keep trying, but I'll really get on the bandwagon once I'm done with college and living my own life during my volunteer year and beyond." But no, I need to start NOW.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

~Finding God::20~

This may serve as advice to some, affirmation for others.  For me, it serves as a reminder. Remember what I wrote a while back about community and how I yearned for one, but then realized I didn't need to? I got this in an email from inward/outward today....

Stop Wasting Time

Jean Vanier

Everything will resolve itself through love. Stop wasting time running after the perfect community. Live your life fully in your community today. Stop seeing the flaws---and thank God there are some! Look rather at your own defects and know that you are forgiven and can, in your turn, forgive others and today enter into the conversion of love, and remember, pray always.

Wow. 

Thursday, May 28, 2009

~Finding God::19~


Give me the courage to live!
Really live-- not merely exist.
Live dangerously,
Scorniging risk!
Live honestly,
Daring the truth--
Particularly the truth of myself!
Live resiliently--
Ever changing, ever growing, ever adapting.
Enduring the pain of change
As though 'twere the travail of birth.
Give me the courage to live,
Give me the strength to be free
And endure the burden of freedom
And the loneliness of those without chains;
Let me not be trapped by success,
Nor by failure, not pleasure, nor grief,
Nor malice, nor praise, nor remorse!

Give me the courage to go on!
Facing all that waits on the trail--
Going eagerly, joyously on,
And paying my way as I go,
Without anger or fear or regret
Taking what life gives,
Spending myself to the full,
Dead high, spirit winged, like a god--
On... on... till the shadows draw close.
Ten even when darkness shuts down,
And I go out alone as I came,
Naked and blind as I came--
Even then, gracous God, hear my prayer:
Give me the courage to live!

-- Howard Thurman

Sunday, May 24, 2009

~Finding God::18~

Here, below these words exists the story of my life since May of 2005.  It isn't a narrative, a list of dates and ventures, an explanation or anything of that sort. 

It's a list of songs. It's the soundtrack to the last four years of my life. Not my life in general, but mostly the religious/spiritual part of my life... Each of these songs has served a specific purpose... whether it is to aid in the remembrance of a specific event, a song which changed the way I view things, or a song suggested by someone else that helped me get over a situation/make a decision. 

Some of these songs may be unfamiliar to you... But some may not be. Below the list is another list (yes, I like lists) of what each song pertains to. Enjoy

1. Where are you going? - Shawn Harnden (a dmb cover)
2. The Message Of Hope- David M. Bailey
3. Every Move I Make- David Crowder Band
4. The Apple Song- Calibretto
5.Two Roads Diverge- David Wilcox
6. Hold It Up to the Light- David Wilcox
7. Something Beautiful For God- Bryan Sirchio
8. Number Forty -Andra Moran
9. All Will Be Well- Gabe Dixon Band
10. Follow Me (87 Times) -Bryan Sirchio
11. Challenges- David M. Bailey
12. The Prayer- Doug LaBrecque
13. Hands- Jewel
14. Sacred- Caedmon's Call
15. Carpenter Story- David Wilcox
16. Fearless Love- David Wilcox
17. Seasons of Love- Cast Of RENT
18. Ubi Caritas- Taize
19. For the Moments I Feel Faint- Relient K
20. Take A Chance- Lost & Found
21. Learn to Be Still - Eagles
22. Ave Mary A- P!nk
23. Everything Glorious- David Crowder Band
24. On A Day Like Today- David M. Bailey
25. Psalm 118- Shane & Shane

1: Shawn's song recorded the year before he died in 2005. 
2-4: Summer Youth Institute (as a Scholar) 2005
5-6: Attempting to make my college decision 2005
7: Mission trip to Cinicnnati 2006
8-10: Regional Youth Event 2006
11: First semester of college at Cornerstone 2006
12-13: Mission trip to Guatemala 2007
14: Sophomore year at Elmhurst
15-16: AWEstruck service at church summer 2008 (I think...)
17-18: Summer Youth Institute (as an Intern) 2008
19: Fall Semester at Elmhurst 2008
20: Making my decision to go to New Zealand 2008
21-22: Learning to be still and not worry so much in NZ 2009
23-25: Finally living life in New Zealand 2009

There you have it. What are the important songs of your life?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

~Finding God::17b~

TWO IN ONE DAY!? WHOA! :]

This is more of an addendum than anything... 

Ex-ile.

I went tonight and holy cow. I don't want you to get any wrong impressions from my last post (read it first if you haven't yet). 

It's an amazing community.  It isn't acting as a replacement, just an addition... perhaps I won't gain lifelong friends, but it has something-- it has the kind of conversation that I miss... the deep, profound, thought-provoking dialogue which gets you thinking, questioning, doubting, and affirming-- all at the same time.  I'm so glad I went tonight.  We discussed the Truman Show and then had more conversation on top of that.... I was going to save it for another post, but you're probably curious now, so keep reading. If you don't care, go ahead and stop reading :) up to you...

Speaking of realizations...

This is an attempt to weave everything we talked about tonight, so forgive me if it seems a little scatterbrained. Here it goes..

It started by talking about fear, death (for those of you who know me well, this is already sounding interesting), and resurrection.  We were talking (in relation to the Truman Show) about how fear surrounds us and whether or not that is a product of human nature, God, or Satan.  I think some would say "Satan" but I would say human nature.  Fear comes from a lack of trust in God.  So then is the end of the movie where he's on the boat the resurrection for Truman? Or is it when he walks through the door to get out of the bubble he's been living?  Either way, he is resurrected from the end, and if resurrection means new life, then coming to New Zealand was a huge resurrection moment for me.  Remember how I talked before about the events of Lent/Easter coming alive in our lives?  We may have our Ash Wednesdays when we feel like we are nothing but dust and insignificant, then we have journeys much like that of Lent, then Good Fridays, days when we feel like the whole world is coming crashing down on us and we (as my roommate from my freshman year and I would say) "hate the world," even to the Easters, the resurrections when we feel like we're on top of the world and have overcome something major, or even just finding joy in anything.  Well, NZ is another Easter for me. The reality of Easter has come alive in my life because here (as mentioned in 17a) I have found new life, realized the life that God has for me.  

Then someone brought up predestination along with the theme of suffering.

This is somewhat of a conclusion we came to after an hour of conversation on the topic... 

                     

If our lives are about following the set path or blueprint that God has laid out for us, then wouldn't we get too caught up in following it? Too much frustration is made over trying to follow God's so called plan for our lives.  We are worried about whether or not it is the right thing for us.  However, when this happens, we lose the freedom we have in Christ.  God isn't like Christoff (in the movie) where she has us bound up in a bubble which exists in a small part of the world. The freedom we have exists so we can make mistakes, explore, be creative.  We get this feeling as though we are constrained when really we should be putting our trust in God that whatever we choose will be used to our benefit and if something awful comes from it, then perhaps God will use it to help  us learn and grow.  I still think God is omnipotent, but I think God would find it more improtant that we have our freedom.  Does this mean I don't think God has ordained us for certain things? Not at all.  
                              
For example: I believe I have always been called to ministry somehow.  And I have discerned, and will continue to do so and pursue this call.  However, I'm not convinced it was always in my "blueprint" that I would come to New Zealand. Afterall, I didn't decide till October-ish to come here.  But God is working through this experience to draw me closer, to help me learn and grow.  Just as I think death has happened so much in my life, not because God wanted to teach me a lesson. I think all the death I have experienced happened just because it's human nature.  Not because God wanted them to die, it just happens.  But God has used those experiences to help me in a particular way... and it will be especially helpful when I'm a pastor... 

Ok, this is going to be interactive... I want to hear your thoughts on this? Do you think God has a blueprint for your life? Or maybe God is just flying by the seat of her pants?  Thoughts?  Examples? 

Saturday, May 16, 2009

~Finding God::17~

Wow.  Wow. Wow. What a couple weeks it has been. 

I don't know that I've ever come to realize so much about myself in such a short period of time.  Last time I wrote I was learning how to overcome worrying... and without a doubt I have never been more content with my life in terms of these things.  I've realized that worrying isn't worth it.  And as soon as I realized that, I came to find that life went smoother.  I wasn't caught up in all sorts of anxiety and frustration I had been feeling before, I was doing homework at a slow pace and while it was all still getting done, I was also having fun.  It's an incredible feeling.  Let's just hope that when I get back to Elmhurst I'll be able to replicate it and somehow manage all my responsibilities for the fall (which will be much more than what I have here!).  But I'm not worried:)

In other news, I had a nice chat with my friend Kristen the other day when we were on our way to the beach.  We are kind of like accountability buddies. (As much as I'm not a huge fan of that word (accountability, not buddies), I've come to realize it is more of a divine word than I thought.)  We check up on each others lives- academic, home, and spirit.  I love chats with Kristen.  We may not see eye to eye on some things, but it has been with her that I have come to realize so much about my life.  In our discussion on the bus we covered so many things.  But then I started talking about this group that I have been going to on Sunday nights (ex-ile) and how I emailed them and told them I couldn't go that night because we would be getting back late.  Well, we weren't getting back late, I just had work to do... so I made up an excuse.  But truth is, I didn't need an excuse.  I'm not obligated to that group.  But nonetheless, I thought i would at least give them a heads up that I wasn't coming.  So it's all good.  Then Kristen said something and I realized, I don't need them.  You know how at the beginning of this semester I was FREAKING OUT because I didn't have a community to join. THEN I was so excited because I found ex-ile! Well, I came to understand in our conversation that I don't need them becuase I need a group, I needed them because I was trying to replace that emptiness of not having a community like the ones at Elmhurst.  But I don't need to replace them.  The Niebuhr Center, UCC fellowship, my close friends, Tuesday Night Worship... I can't replace those. I can't even come close.  And I don't need to. Those are my communities which I love and adore and it's good that I can't replicate or find a substitute for them.  If I could, then they wouldn't be the communities I thought they were.  Besides I have had more religious and theological conversations being here than I think I have ever had with my peers.  And it just comes in normal conversation.  I have a couple evangelical friends, a jewish friend, and a moderate Shane Claiborne loving friend.  Between the several of us, conversations have been amazing. They have been the source of my comforted spirit.  And I wouldn't have it any other way. 


I have been all about the conversations lately.  I realized (see I told you, so many realizations... or maybe I just need a new word...suggestions?) that I process better verbally and through disussion than journaling and blogging.  Perhaps it's because there's someone on the other end asking me questions and challenging me to think, but whatever it is, I'm glad I've got it figured out.  

I had a discussion with my friend Monica the other day.   She texted me in the morning asking if I wanted to meet up at Momento to have coffee.  I told her that would be fine and I would meet her at 3 because that's when I got done with class.  So we met up.  I was nervous because I thought she had something she wanted to talk to me about... I don't know why I had this assumption. Maybe because every time freshman year I had coffee with one of my really good friends, it was to talk about whether or not I should transfer (her argument was always too weak to keep me there: I don't want you to leave.).  So I went in a little cloudy, but came out bright and sunny.  We sat there for three hours! THREE HOURS! Time flew.  We talked about everything from geography to friends to ignorance to theology.  Our beliefs may be similar, but our theologies are quite different.  It was good to talk about it though to hear it come out of my mouth, and to hear a differing opinion.  (We both agreed Campus Crusade for Christ should change their name... Crusade? I mean, really?)  Anyway, near the end of the conversation, as the sun had gone down and I sat wondering what time it was (as we needed to be off to the bus stop at 6:30), Monica began telling me about how she came to New Zealand in expectancy, not expecting.  Let me explain:

She said that when you come expecting, you set in stone something things that should be.  For example, one of our friends EXPECTED to have easy work, EXPECTED to do all of these crazy things, EXPECTED to have amazing weather the whole time-- and when she didn't have easy work, when she didn't get to do all the crazy stuff she wanted, and when she realized the weather was getting crappier, she was let down.  However, if you come in expectancy, you learn that if you expect God to change you, but don't give God the "hows" of the change, then you aren't as disappointed in the end, and you are changed in ways you never thought possible.  Monica came here to fulfill this idea of who she wanted to be.  She's always had this picture of what she will look like in the future and this was one step to help her get there.  This astounded me because (as I explained later in our conversation) I came for the same reason.  I wanted to change. I didn't want to be the same mundane, over-worked, addicted to technology, bland self I was before.  I came looking for adventure- something I lacked severely.  But being here has changed me. 

It has changed me beyond what I thought.  I only came with the expectation that I would become adventurous, but I have become so much more than that. You can see that too, I'm sure, from reading all my blogs.  I have learned much about myself. I've grown in ways I wasn't "expecting."  Monica asked what about me has changed, how have I grown.  And this is what I said...

I've learned to appreciate life.

That's it.  Everything else stems from that.  When I get home I plan on NOT being attached to my computer or phone, being more willing to play outside, go on new adventures, be with my family, and HAVE FUN.  I've learned that life is so much more than what's on tv, who's online, the texts that I receive.  I've realized that one lifetime is not enough, so I need to enjoy it. 

One last thing. Here's a quote I quite enjoy by Eleanor Roosevelt:
 
The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.

So there you have it. 

I am getting up off my ass and living my life!



(p.s. I thought the blog needed a change.)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

~Finding God::16~


"Dance your cares away, worries for another day, let the music play... down at fragglerock!"
(in my case... New Zealand)

Lists, schedules, calendars, mapping out, scratching out, adding more. 

This is my life. More and more I realize just how worried I really am. All the time.  I was in my Eastern Spiritualities class, learning about Buddhism and my professor told a proverb... I didn't think I would forget it, so I didn't write it down... but I have since forgotten. Anyway, it was about worrying. (More on this later.) Anyway, my mind, always hurried to find comparisons, took me to Matthew 6:34 which says (in the Message) "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."  I was reminded, as I always am when I read this passage, that God's got my back. But, this is different. 

This is the plight of my life. God, nor Jesus, NOR the Holy Spirit for that matter, try as I may, will do my homework for me! Yea, Go dmay have given me the knowledge and gifts that I have. And perhaps Jesus is my motivator (in a practical aspect) to get me through my work so I can get to seminary and help change the world. And perhaps the Holy Spirit moves over me to encourage me occasionally. But no matter how much I plead, I always wind up with the homework in front of me at the end of the day. 

(Jokes. They're jokes I tell you.) 

Homework is piling up. Travel plans are being made. Fun is being had. My spirit is losing its vigor-- HOW AM I TO BALANCE EVERYTHING!?

Momma always tells me to look at the big picture... "Honey, look at it in the grand scheme of things..." she says. And I know, I KNOW I'm in New Zealand. I should be enjoying it!!! And I am. I really really am. But I can't help but to let my competitive self let go of this addiction. Buddhists learn to let go. To detach themselves from anything and everything. The world is full of suffering and frustration they say. Finding your inner, not-self (don't ask, I can't explain) and a way to beat the complex and ill world is their goal. They do this through practices, especially through meditation. I should try it and see where it gets me. It can never hurt right? 

Back to this being worried thing. I know God is behind me all the time. I was encouraged, as I was thinking about applying to become the president of the interfaith organization at Elmhurst, by the verse about all things working together for the good of those who love God.  Easy enough, right? God's presence is so visible. God is funny. Hear me out...

[Friend 1 and Friend 2 are two of my closest friends... I just didn't want their names in here.]

I had a dream a few nights ago where I was in a big fellowship hall and I was surrounded by Elmhurst students. I knew some, but not all of them. We were standing up and were ready to hold hands and pray.  When I told the bunch at the other end of the circle to spread out, suddenly, more people came out of the circle... so many so that we had both EC and SYI people and then some! We were soon spread out at all sorts of tables and a guy, who I feel like must have been involved in our Campus Crusade for Christ, got up, said about 5 sentences of prayer, and concluded with an Amen. Then he asked if anyone who is struggling or in despair would remian seated. I look cross the room and Friend 1 and Friend 2 are still sitting down, among others. The guy says, "I don't know what I was going to do about it, I just wanted to check." Weird. So then I do one of those up-nods to Friend 1 comes over to me. All i keep saying is "i've missed you so much. I miss you." And as tears stream down my face, all she can say is, "I want to cry." And so my alarm goes off. 

I talked to Friend 2 the next day and asked if she was ok, genuinely, truly ok. She said yes (Phew). Then I emailed Friend 1. She emailed me back in awe. She is graduating from college in a week or so and had her last class with her most beloved professor/mentor on campus that day. She asked if I was sleeping at the equivalent to 9am-4pm that day... This was the case.  As the reality of her being done with college and leaving such a wonderful place set in, her professor said she wanted to cry. So did my friend. She said the feeling never left her. 

WOW. If I ever had any doubt in God, it was depleted in that moment. I have never felt that before. The fact that we were so connected through a complex dream from other ends of the world. There's something about it that was just so Divinely inspired. 

I realized that I don't need to worry about anything. God has always been there and will always be there. Unfortunately, homework is part of my earthly duties, so I shall keep plugging away at it for now. I will attempt meditation to get my soul back to somehwat-center. And all at the same time, I will ...

"Dance my cares away, worries for another day, let the music play... down in New Zealand."

(Who knew you could find God in Fraggle Rock? Thank you Jim Henson.)


Monday, April 27, 2009

~Finding God::15~

I have a book entitled "1001 Things to Make You Happy." I lend it out to my friends when they've hit a rough patch and need a pick me up. But most of the time it sits on my shelf waiting for a crappy day to come along so it can be held with angst or tears in an effort to make someones day a little brighter.

Well, I have a little time on my hands so I thought I would make a list of the things that make me happy/smile. Hopefully this will be a work in progress as I'm sure I will think of things I omitted tonight and will also come upon new developments.


+ Listening to Norah Jones and stretching. (Odd combo, i know, but soothing, nonetheless.)
+ Peach Rings and Chocolate Fish (Although I do need to cut down my sugar intake...)
+ Getting out of class early on a sunny day.
+ Creative worship services
+ Feeling accomplished
+ Easter
+ ...and for that matter Good Friday and Ash Wednesday
+ The feeling after a good workout
+ Fruit markets
+ blogging/journaling (my mom thinks I should be a writer. Writing is different than these -ings)
+ BOOKS. I'm not a good reader, but I could sit in B&N or Borders all.day.long. (You can find me in either the religious or history sections if you need me.)
+ The feeling of home even when I am not.
+ Certain people
+ The prospect that I can help change the world
+ My family, despite their oddities:)
+ Having theological conversations with my theological friends. (And my non-theologically minded friends as well... but the former just gives me a fuzzy feeling.)
+ First Congregational Church, Battle Creek (FCCBC)
+ Seeing other people succeed after a long struggle
+ (and now for something completely different........) Richard Gere (He's my old man crush!)
+ Historical Fiction movies, despite the quality of acting (e.g. National Treasure; Night at the Museum)
+ My best friend in the whole wide world
+ SYI and all it involves
+ My friends here in NZ
+ NEW ZEALAND in general
+ My mentors in all their various forms and locations
+ Having conversations in which I'm forced to think about things I've never thought about before
+ Christian Century Magazine
+ Elmhurst College and all its accessories (friends, orgs, people, classes, professors, faculty)
+ Writing sermons
+ New Zealand Meat Pies
+ Participating in activities which promote social justice in the community and world
+ Being helpful
+ Road trips
+ Mission trips
+ Fellowship
+ Summer time
+ Golf (particularly EC golf [season, team, hotel nights])
+ Inside jokes
+ Massive amounts of laughter
+ Potato Wedges Day at Waikato
+ Realizing that life is beautiful

Sunday, April 19, 2009

~Finding God::14~

Ecclectic
Funny
Deeply Profound
Diverse
Embracing
Quirky
Questioning

This is what I've been looking for. I have been yearning for a small community to join that would make me feel at home in my faith.

I think I've found it.

Tonight, the chaplain invited me join a group called Exile. They are a random group of people, not primarily students, who (for most) have found the church to be not a good place for them... whether it be because of things that have happened in their past or the institution of church just hasn't set right with them. They are diverse in age, vocation and faith: students, young, middle aged, unemployed, an artist, a preist, evangelical, liberal, a little bit of both. And this only begins to describe the 8 people who were at the meeting tonight. We came together at our chaplain's house. She and her husband, both ordained in the Anglican church, live in the parsonage next to his church. We simply sat aroud a table with a simple meal of soup and bread while enjoying casual conversation about our weeks, funny stories, and more. After, we moved into the living room to talk about Easter. Many had attended "Stations of the Cross," which I am sad I missed, here in Hams. After the conversation about that dwindled, we continued to discuss something from Easter that stood out for us. For our chaplain it was the notion of "Death never having the last word." For others it was an image from the Stations. For me, although I missed an actual Easter service (first time in 21 years, I believe) it was the personal side of Easter.

I was thinking about what Easter means as an example of the ebb and flow of the tide in my life. Bringing the stories of our lives to life in the death and resurrection of Christ. The palm sundays (the joyous occasions), the betrayals (whether by us or others to us), the Last Suppers (the sacred meals with close friends), the good fridays and being nailed to the cross (the awful, painful experiences), and of course the Easters/Resurrections (good, praiseworthy things).

When you experience a Good Friday, I think it really is Good because it makes the Easters that much more special. We would never know Easter if we never knew Good Friday...

How does this change your view of Easter? Or does it? I would like to hear thoughts.

(It's starting to feel vulnerable because no one is commenting! Just kidding, blogs are bascially signing up for vulnerability.)

On a "same same but different" note, Exile meets every Sunday night. Their typical month looks like this: Discussion and dinner, worship, movie, movie discussion. I was also informed this weeks numbers were very low due to being out of sync with the month for a bit. We should be expecting 20-30 at worship next week! I'm especially excited worship:]

Thursday, April 16, 2009

~Finding God::13~


How much of an apple do you eat?


No, really, think about it. Do you cut it using the handy apple-cutter and leave the center core with some still on it? Do you eat around the edges until you get too close to the core to care anymore? Do you leave the overhang at the top and bottom becuase you're too afraid to get too close to the stem or that weird thing on the underside of the apple? Does it look like that one?
<---------
How much do you get out of life? Are you stuck in an office 8-5, following the same schedule daily? Do you enjoy your time with your family? Do you wait anxiously at your computer for the next email just so you have something to do? Do you get out of the house?
Needless to say, that was me before I came to New Zealand. Sitting by the computer, not enjoying my time with my family, eating only part of the apple. By coming here I have finally figured out that life is more than sitting at the computer waiting for an email, or being attached to my phone, waiting for the next text. It is good to keep in touch, yes, but there's so much more to life. I can't kick myself for not living life because I have been, just not to the fullest. Being in New Zealand has made me realize how much potential the world has. It has helped me become more active and enjoy myself more than ever. I was only eating part of the apple, missing out on the little bits that are just as good, if not better than the rest of the apple.
God has this marvelous life planned out for all of us. We have so much potential... we need to find the opportunities and take hold of them as often as we can because who knows how long they will be around.

I just found out that I'm supposed to be off campus June 27th, but can stay for $30 NZD a night; however, my flight is scheduled for June 30th. So i called the travel company and they haven't been able to find any domestic flights from LA-DTW to change to, so I may just be here for a few more days with "nothing" to do. I need to suck it up and stick with my flight. I get in homesick moods and then get really excited to get home. If I wasn't so homesick at this moment, I would be fine with being around for a few more days. My rationale was that I had a free flight change, and it cost money to stay some extra nights. So I'll try back in a few days and see if anything has changed, and we'll figure it out then. Besides, I may want to stick around anyway.
The point of this story is that I found God in one of my friends here at Waikato. Her name is Anna and she is my RA. Everytime I manage to update my Facebook status (for those of you who aren't facebook savvy, it just means I put up a little blurb about how i'm feeling or what I'm doing) and say something in reference to frustration, sadness, anxiety, whatever it may be, she constantly has words to help me. Today we talked about my plane issue and she encouraged me to enjoy it while i'm here. She said, "You are already here and there's nothing you can do to change it, so might as well enjoy it!" She's right. I'm going home when I'm going home and that's all there is to it. A wise friend once said to me, "Be homesick. It's ok. Just know that we will all be here when you return." That is what has kept me going the most. I even realized that even though spring break was an amazing two weeks, I still had yearnings to come back to Uni because it was familiar and because I had work to do. Who knows how the Good Lord puts up with me. I got back and realized that break was fabulous and that I'm going to miss our road trip moments, the amazing sights, the food, the laughs, and the adventure of hostels. It was a wonderful time, and I wish it hadn't gone by so fast. I know I'm going to feel that way in the end of being here in NZ.
There is a lot of school work that separates me and the end of the semester and the school week seems to fly by here (unlike at home, where the week goes by slow and weekend fast). This just means I have to get my work done the best I can, not stress about getting A's and enjoy my time.
I challenge you too to live your life.
Eat more of the apple.


~Finding God::12~


This is Milford Sound. A sound is an area of land/water such as this created by water which has melted off a glacier. Milford is actually a Fiord becuase it came from a body of water, not a glacier, but we aren't concerned with details right now.


I kayaked Milford Sound on my two week break. What a sight. It was unbelievable. There was a waterfall in the distance and our guide asked us how far away we thought it was. People were saying 2km, we were saying a mile... but in fact it was 5 miles away. Because of the sheer massiveness of the mountains surrounding the water, things seemed a lot closer than they really were. We kayaked all day and didnt get very far. It was wonderful.
"Because you're not yet taking God seriously," said Jesus. "The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, 'Move!' and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn't be able to tackle." (Mt. 17:20-21, MSG)
This passage has a whole new meaning after being at Milford. You sit there and look around you. You are a tiny morsel of being compared to these gigantuan mountains which line the water all around you. We kayaked around and when you get up close, you look up the mountain and can't see the top. It was so massive.
There are no other words to describe it. But when you think about the Matthew passage, if we have faith, as small as a poppy or mustard seed, we can move mountains. Now, of course we can't move them literally, but it refers to the power of faith. However, I find myself lacking faith frequently, especially while in New Zealand. I had to put my faith in God to come here, to be safe, to find a community, and to simply live. Granted, everything has been fine thus far, which tells me that despite my faith, God is still working wonders in my life. I wonder, if I give up- not give up in the sense that I am quitting, but in the sense of giving everything to God- if there may be an abundance of joy waiting for me. God has the plan and continues to reveal it to me... yet I find it easier to freak out and not acknowledge the fact that it really is under control. By no means is it easier because it causes stress and anxiety through the roof.
Why is it so hard to give up and give all of my stress to God.... I want control, and I know that's the issue, but I also know it isn't my place to have the control. Things will work out. I'll get grades (whether they are A's or not, who knows), I'll have fun, I'll continue to be living in the presence of God and everything will be great. I know it will. It always works out.
I have a feeling it works out the same whether or not I freak out, so I might as well stop worrying and start living. No one's going to care if I graduated Summa Cum Laude in 10 years, they're going to want to know how amazing it was living in New Zealand for 5 months. (So maybe I'm a little obsessed about grades... I know...)
Everything else will fall in place.
It will.
I just know it.
As long as I have faith.