~Finding God:: 22~

(This was typed as my brain thought... welcome to sporadic part of my life...)

It's all come down to this.

It's the end.

It's the place I never thought I'd reach.

I thought I'd been gone weeks ago. I didn't even think I was going to get on the plane, actually. Did you know, I never wanted to come here? I only did it because I felt obligated to do so. Ok, ok, maybe it was divinely inspired. But, I don't know. I was never settled on coming here until about, oh, maybe halfway through? I never felt comfortable or at ease with it. It took a lot. A lot of trust in God, a lot of faith that I would make it through, a lot of patience with my heavy heart. a lot of a lot of things.

I wouldn't trade it for the world. This has been the most amazing experience of my life. I don't want to get too into that yet. I'll save it for a future post when all the goodbyes have been said, planes have landed, and I have slept in my own bed :)

But seriously. Let's think about this. I just arrived in New Zealand four months ago.

And now, all that I've known for months is going to be swept out from under my feet. I want to know if I'm going to land on my feet... or on my ass. They always say going back home is the hardest. But I think I'm ready to take it on. It's going to be good. I'm actually not too worried about it anymore...

But I am going to miss things... I've known something so similar but yet so different for 16 weeks. In all reality, that doesn't sound like much. And compared to a lifetime, it isn't. But, nonetheless here we are.

I had my last laundry day last wednesday. Tomorrow will be the final vacuuming of "my" room. I only get to sleep in this bed 5 more times. These are the final moments with my friends. The friends I never thought I would make. I'm finished with two of three classes. One more test. Last few times taking the bus (thank GOD). Turned in my last essay today. Soon, no more crappy dining hall food. No more runs around our beautiful campus, in beautiful weather. My best NZ friend has gone home for break.... that might be the most depressing bit... to know that I may never see her again, in person (we have to hold out for technology (skype) these days).

Just when I started feeling at home...

Packing. Pitching. Giving away. It all seems so final. When I'm at Elmhurst, I know I'm coming back.

I'm not coming back.

And I will have to live with the fact that I didn't live it up enough. I'm trying to not regret things. And for the most part, I'm more than happy with how the semester went. We always have things we wish we could have done differently. I have mine... but they're not major. It happens.

So maybe I do get too caught up in schoolwork. Well, I have a feeling that will never change. It's who I am (whether I like it or not)... it's engrained in me. But I have learned self-care (a very important thing that needs to be put in my "When I'm a pastor..." book). I have learned how to take time for myself, how to enjoy myself and still get work done at the same time.

I also know now that I can move away from home. If I can live on the other side of the world and still keep contact with my family, going anywhere, doing anything, and flights! oh my gosh! It's all going to be a piece of cake. Initially, anyway. I know I will have my difficulties. But this has made me realize how independent I can be. Truthfully... this has been an eye opening semester.

So much happened at home over these four months (and, we should really include feb.... so five months)... and I've come to understand that yes, I like to solve problems, but I can't be there for everyone every step of the way.

But I'm going to miss meusli for breakfast every morning at 9am. I can get it at home (it's called granola:]) but it won't be the same. I'll miss hearing amanda's laugh in the caf usually at dinner... and I don't even know amanda. I'll miss being able to run over to Telayna's window and seeing what she's up to. I'll miss my little room which has become my space. I'll miss the very cheap fruit market that is just a couple blocks away. I'll miss the genuine Kiwi kindness and hospitality. I'll miss my sunday night group, Exile.

[got distracted for about an hour... i think that means this post is done]

I'll be back when I get home and semi-readjusted to give you a post-update.

Unless of course I find God in Sydney, which is very possible... I'll keep you posted.