Saturday, February 27, 2010

+Lent2010: why not?+

PSALM 150

1Praise the Lord!

Praise God in his sanctuary;

praise him in his mighty firmament!

2Praise him for his mighty deeds;

praise him according to his surpassing greatness!

3Praise him with trumpet sound;

praise him with lute and harp!

4Praise him with tambourine and dance;

praise him with strings and pipe!

5Praise him with clanging cymbals;

praise him with loud clashing cymbals!

6Let everything that breathes praise the Lord!

Praise the Lord!

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Why don't we ever praise God like this? What is keeping us from being loud and obnoxious for God every Sunday? Or any day of the week for that matter...?

Friday, February 26, 2010

+Lent2010: the good way+

"Thus says the Lord: Stand at the crossroads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way lies; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16)
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(Because this is on my mind (and after all, what is a blog for than to say what's on your mind) I'm going to write about it yet again. It won't last long, I promise.)
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This scripture really rings some bells. As I'm thinking about JVC and where I feel God is calling me to serve, I find myself standing at the crossroads. Just standing there.
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The "ancient ways" God is speaking of refers to the covenant of Moses and its laws, which were to guide the religious and moral lives of the people. People have their opinions of where they want me to go. Some to Hartford, others to Hollywood. Those who want me in Hartford thinks is safer and the work is better for me. Those who are voting for Hollywood want to come visit me and think that work is better for me. Well guess what, folks? There is just as much danger in Hartford as there is in Hollywood. The work is very different but also very needed in both places. The ancient ways are telling me to go to the place where I will fulfill God's will for my life... that is the good way, after all. I think by walking in that good way we find rest because we have followed what God would have for our lives.
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Whenever we get off the beaten path and go down one road that we know God must not have been calling us to, we feel uneasy. That's how it was being at Cornerstone (three years ago-- holy cow!). I got to a point where I felt so down in the dumps and depressed and uneasy and I knew I had to transfer. I knew that just wasn't going to work. But the day I decided I was going to Elmhurst, I felt at ease. My heart was light, my burdens had been lifted, and life was good again.
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This must be what it means to follow the good path. So how do I do that with JVC? After all, I don't have nearly as much choice in the matter. Some, I suppose, but it isn't very clear. I feel called to one over the other now, but I don't know if that's how God feels.
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These feelings remind me of my favorite poem:
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
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Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
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And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
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I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
(Robert Frost)
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I would love to travel both roads. I would love to go to Hollywood AND Hartford. But that's not right. And that's not fair. I'm looking all the way to the bend in the undergrowth trying to figure out which is best to me, but no matter how much I look, I won't be able to figure out exactly which one is right for me. There's always ambiguity. And when I take the other just as fair, it will be just as though I took the other because both will give me great life experience and I will learn so much from both. Then once I'm there, I will "doubt if I should ever come back" because it will have had such a huge impact on my life. Perhaps I will be ready to leave, but maybe not. Maybe my call will change. Who knows. But in the end I will be telling stories with a sigh, knowing all I have been through has shaped me into the person God is calling me to be. I am taking the road less traveled by just by being in the JVC. I can't go wrong with either organization. I know that.
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The Message says, "Discover the right route for your souls" (Jer. 6:16). Is Hollywood the right route for my soul? What about Hartford? I am praying constantly about this decision. Whatever happens will happen and it will be the right route for my soul.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

+Lent2010: Be Not Afraid+

"The Lord is my light... whom shall I fear?" --Psalm 27
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I got my JVC options today. I get to interview with my 2nd and 8th choices. While I was hoping for my first or third, these will do. Now, this is really stretching it, but, here's my connection to Lent.
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I bet Jesus was bummed when he realized he was going to have to die to save humanity.
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I was bummed for a little while, but I'm not dying! I keep telling myself... Whatever happens, happens. It is what God wants and it's going to be great, challenging and amazing no matter what. I'm getting there. Let's hope I'm going to Hollywood! But if I'm going to Hartford, well, then, that will be fantastic too. I want to do JVC more than anything else right now. With that said, I have to go wherever I get accepted. "Here I am Lord, send me."
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I need not fear the future and the ambiguity that comes with it. "... whom shall I fear?" I don't need to fear my placement or the stuff that will happen during the year... growth comes from discomfort. I can do this. It will be awesome and life-changing.
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Bring it on.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

+Lent2010: Faith+

One of the lectionary readings for today (courtesy of the PCUSA) is 1 Corinthians 2.1-13. Reading over it, a couple of verses seem to be really applicable today.
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(5) ...so that your faith might rest not on human wisdom but on the power of God... (9) But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him" - these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.
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Today I was waiting for an email from the Jesuit Volunteer Corps giving me the three organizations with which I will interview to decide where I will be placed next year. I have been checking my email non-stop waiting for it to arrive and say Inbox(1). However, I am checking even now at 10pm to no avail. This means I have two more days to sit and wait for it. They told me it would come between Wed. and Friday. And as my facebook status said today, I was "waiting impatiently!"
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However, the lectionary for today is a good reminder... I have no control over this. The more I think about it, the more I realize my faith in God falters a lot when it comes to these kinds of things. There's always something going on that I can't control and I fail to "surrender to God" all the time. At Cornerstone we always talked about giving something up to God... but I never really understood that to begin with. I get the concept, I don't know how to do it.
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I want the job in Sacramento.... so bad... It's one of those things that I think is a perfect fit... but that's exactly what the scripture is telling me... "rest on the power of God!.. the Spirit searches everything." So, God knows where I'm going next year. I just have three weeks until this grand plan is revealed to me. Haha. Thinking about this gives me this visual of God sending the Holy Spirit to all these places to check them all out so it can come back to God to give a report on which would be best for me.
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Leah said to me the other day (whenever I expressed my love for this job in Sacramento) that even if I don't get that one, wherever I go is going to be just as amazing and challenging as the others. It will be in a different way. And I reminded myself that if I don't get to go to Sacramento, I will be going wherever God wants and needs me.
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It is not my wisdom, but Gods. It is not by my power, but by Gods. I have no idea what is in store for me over the next few years... only God knows... and God has something amazing in the works. I believe this to be true.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

+Lent2010: Love+

The Episcopal Lenten devotional I am reading daily raised a question I have never thought about before... So they (all of the NT writers, and God...) say that Jesus came to live among us and love us. Jesus loved us so much that he died for our sins, right? But what if Jesus didn't like us? I mean, he came to earth and experienced anger, fear, cruelty, greed, corruption, brutality...
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But Jesus still loved us. I suppose this gets into that debate over Jesus' divinity. Is Jesus 50% human and 50% divine? 100% Human and 100% divine or just one or the other? So many options! I still haven't found my own answer to this question (although I lean towards the second option...) but even in thinking about it, it begs the question: Even if Jesus was partially human, don't you suppose he got sick and tired of people being... people? A human's array of emotions is just ridiculous and the fact that we only see a few of those in Jesus (sadness, anger, joy) makes it seem like Jesus had to be more divine than human.
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It could be because Jesus is/was God and so therefore God has to love all people. But even God showed frustration with the Israelites back in the OT... I don't know. I'm stuck.
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The point to the devotional this morning was the fact that Jesus' message was to love God and then prove it by loving your neighbor as yourself... and I know I don't love my neighbor all the time. But his statement means I have to love myself before I can love my neighbor... and I don't know if I love myself. I don't know how one measures such a thing.
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hm.

+Lent2010: Awe+

The greatest insights happen to us in moments of awe.-- Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel
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So often the word "awesome" gets misused. I am a prime suspect, too. I always say something is "awesome" but does it really deserve it? I mean, if the greatest insights happen in moments of awe... when something is awe-worthy, it must have a major impact on someone or something.
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I know that for me, a lot of God moments come at awe-worthy times. The dictionary defines awe as: a feeling of reverential respect mixed with fear or wonder. Fear... OR... wonder. Fear in the Bible typically means "awe." So, what does that mean for us?
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When we come across something that is so incredible we feel God's presence... or we see an interaction between people that would otherwise seem so random.... or we see something of natural beauty which is nearly unfathomable... All of these are awe-producing. All of these, for me, are God moments. Of course God moments vary, but most recently, I was in a worship service that was so spirit filled, I knew God had to be there. It is those moments that are awesome...
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It wasn't something someone said or did... rather, those moments when I realize something because I feel God's presence... When I realize that this person is also a child of God even though they have been neglected for so long. When I realize that life is about so much more than homework. When I realize that God is present because I can feel it.
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What do you find awesome?

Monday, February 22, 2010

+Lent2010: Relationship with God+

So I started blogging about something only to realize I was contradicting myself and running in circles… and those kinds of blogs are the loathsome ones. So here we are with something entirely different.

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In the book we’re currently reading for my theology capstone (David Kelsey’s Eccentric Existence: A theological anthropology), he asks about the relationship of us to God. He asks: “How is it that human beings relate to God?” This gets me thinking… while Kelsey discusses this in theological terms, I think about it in faithful terms. (Faith is something that often gets lost in the academia of college.) What does it mean for me to be faithful to God? I mean, for those of you who know me well, social justice is a major part of my life but I can’t just do works. James’ letter in the NT says something about faith without works is dead… but what about works without faith? I mean, I trust that God exists and when it comes down to it faith and trust are the same word in biblical terms. But how do I show my devotion to God?

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Ok, so I pray whenever I go to bed… rarely otherwise. I go to church on Sunday. I try to make systemic change happen on behalf of Christ. But what else? My relationship with God is not so hot these days. That is my hope for this lent… that by doing these blog entries I find myself connecting with God on a deeper level. I have lost my time to journal… and so I figure baby steps. When overwhelmed with something major, Anne Lamott always says, “Bird by bird… just take it bird by bird.” So, start with blogging, maybe it will turn into journaling, and then who knows what. I do love processing though and I don’t do enough of it… at all. I miss it.

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So here’s to Lent.

Friday, February 19, 2010

+Lent2010: Home+

Martin Copenhaver, in today's Stillspeaking Devotional, talked about what home is like. He drew on Psalm 91 to help us understand what he was saying.
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"My refuge and my fortress; my God in whom I trust."
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Where is home for you? Is it where you grew up? Where you currently live? Home is that place where you can be yourself... where you can go for a while to be refreshed... where you feel loved and accepted.
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But what do you do when that place is no where in reach? You can't just uproot and re-establish home... can you? In the past year I have been to New Zealand, Rome, Guatemala, Elmhurst, and Battle Creek. Home for me is in Battle Creek. I LOVE NZ and Elmhurst. I love Guatemala and Rome was nice too. But what about next year? If I get my way with JVC, I'll be in Sacramento for a year. I won't be coming home for minor holidays or a weekend off. I won't even be able to come home just for a few days to be refreshed and renewed. I do that sometimes when I can't be at school anymore... I just drive home to get away.
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So next year I can't drive home. I will be home maybe twice during the year. How am I going to keep myself sane? Well, first I remind myself, Battle Creek won't necessarily be able to be that refuge for me forever, so I suppose I might as well get used to it.
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BUT
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Psalm 91 reminds us that God.... God is the constant in this equation. Even when home is filled with stress... or when home is unreachable... God is our fortress.... God is our refuge. God protects us and gives us a safe place to land. God loves us, accepts us. God refreshes and restores our souls and our very being. We can be ourselves in front of God because... God knows our innermost being. She knit us in our mother's wombs, afterall.
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So next time I'm worried about not going home, I'm going to call on God. Jesus said, "Come all who are weary and laden with burdens for I will give you rest." So be with me God. When home is just too far away, be with me. Grant me rest and peace. For your love overcomes everything else.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

+Lent2010: Doing Lent Together+

At St. Pete's Ash Wednesday service last night, Rev. Vertigan said something while preparing the elements for communion. He invited us to share together throughout our lenten journey.
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We always talk about doing the lenten journey together.
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This is important. We are never alone. Ash Wednesday (and part of the focus on Lent, really) is to focus on the brokenness that exists in our lives. To recognize that we are just dust. We have our flaws. We are miniscule. We build little things up to be so much more of a big deal than they really are. But guess what? It doesn't matter. My grades won't make or break my life. The petty arguments shouldn't ruin a friendship. It's about putting things in perspective.
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Where you do you find yourself in Christ's story this Lenten journey? Are you mourning the loss of a loved one? Are you rejoicing in a new life brought into this world? Are you suffering through the trials of life? No matter where you are on this journey to the cross or the resurrection, you aren't alone. Take joy in that fact. You have people pulling for you, supporting you, rejoicing with you, and crying with you. We... They... are out there.
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We walk the Lenten Journey together. We are never alone.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

+Lent2010: Ash Wednesday and the Lenten Journey+

So typically people give something up for lent. However, I have decided to add something on. I know, I know, I'm already so busy. But that's the point. This is a different kind of adding on. Sacrificing something for Lent helps you focus on that one thing. With that said, I am focusing on my spirituality. I have committed to meditating for 5 minutes a day (just 5...) and blogging about the meditation for the day. I get the Daily UCC Devotional and the Inward/Outward post, AND I have the Episcopal Relief and Development Lenten Devotional (ERDLD). Between the three of these, I will find something to blog about daily. This gives me time to separate myself from the academia of my final semester and the craziness of everyday life.
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logistics: I will start with the scripture or an excerpt (depending on the source about which I am writing) followed my by thoughts.
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"So this is the dilemma: remembering that God is all loving and all forgiving, and at the same time accepting accountability for the fact that we just don't get it." (ERDLD)
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One of my friends is a Young Adult Volunteer through the PCUSA and is located at Vanderbilt University as an assistant in the Chaplain's Office. She was telling me the other day that she has to write the reflection for tonight's Ash Wednesday service but was struggling for words. To help her, I gave her my thoughts. I said, "You know, I think Ash Wednesday is about humbling ourselves and recognizing our humanity and mortality all in the same day. From dust we were made and to dust we shall return. It reminds us that we are insignificant little specks in history and on this earth. But despite our status, God still loves us." When we, as dust, drift too far God pulls us back in and forgives us. No matter what, God loves us and cares for us. So often we are expected to be everything and do everything and care for everything and achieve everything and love everyone and be with everyone and love God all at the same time. But we are just dust. We don't need to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. And most of the time (for me anyway) loving God comes last on that list. Spending time with God is the last thing on my mind when I have hundreds of pages to read and several pages to write, meetings to attend and people to care for. But guess what
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God forgives us. And God loves us.
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So this Lent I am committing myself to meditating and blogging. Spending time with God in silence and through the typed word. I am letting myself be vulnerable to you all who read. But that's what being dust is all about. Being vulnerable and being messy and knowing... that no matter what...
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God still loves us.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

+--Sabbath--+

It's only the first weekend at school and I'm stressed.

Same story as usual, right?
yea.
But this time it's good because i'm learning how to manage it. We read Wayne Muller's "Sabbath" at church a few years ago. It has amazing advice and thoughts on how to stay connected to God and yourself in those days when it seems like you have way too much to do for the time allowed.
But God is funny...
1) I get the i.ucc daily devotional and some days it's a bother because it's just something else to read. But sometimes it's really good and really worth reading. This morning it was about surrendering and how you just have to let God do God's job... "let God be God." Yea, I forget about that. I will get my stuff done, no matter how overwhelmed I am. I always do.

2) My iCalendar on my computer doesn't allow you to put anything in it past 11:15pm. I think that's on purpose. The best part about this is that as soon as I got my homework assignment for my art class done and was planning to hop into bed, my clock said 11:14. Nice timing, eh? Well, then I decided to blog so it will be later than that, but God's doing God's job... and i'm allowing for that.

3) We learned on our interfaith retreat two weekends ago that we need to fill our buckets. [insert witty comment about buckets] This has helped me process the fact that I have various friends on campus but only a few really good ones. With this in mind, I have to allow myself to fill my bucket. I can hear you all now: ok, ok, but what does it mean to fill your bucket?! Well, let me tell you. Surround yourself with the people that love you. Surround yourself with family who love you. Surround yourself with people and activities that allow you to be who you are and help you be the best "you" you can be. Do things you like doing. Only do the things you don't like doing when you have to. Have fun. This is why I spend the majority of my time in the Niebuhr Center where people love me and care for me and want to spend time with me. I do this because I don't want to be in my room where some of my roommates complain tirelessly and do unproductive things. I love them, but they can be exhausting sometimes. So, fill your bucket with love.

This is what I've learned. And i'm doing pretty well at putting it into practice.
Let's recap, shall we?

1. Let God be God.
2. Stop doing things at 11:15 and rest.
3. Fill your bucket.

That's a pretty good list, if I do say so myself.
On the note of Sabbath, I'm cutting a chunk out of my Saturday's so that after 4pm I do not do any homework. That allows me time to regroup, have fun and rest. Even though it's only a little bit of free time, it's good to just... be.
Oh, and let me add another point...
4. Keep breathing.