Thursday, October 9, 2014

The Divine in the Canine

This guy reminds me, more than anything else, that life is not about me:

When I come home from a long day of class, I need to walk him. But the thing is, it's not that I need to walk him, rather, he needs a walk. He reminds me daily of the reverence I must hold for all of life-- G-d's creatures and creations. Milo reminds me that I need to tend to critters, humans, and living things all the same because life is meant to be cared for-- not dominated or destroyed. My dinner can wait, my sitting on the couch can wait, because Milo needs to stretch his little legs, frolic in the grass, and poop outisde. He has his own needs and since he is dependent upon us humans to take care of him, thats precisely what we have to do. Feed, walk, pet, burrow him in blankets, pet, feed, walk, pet, tuck him in.

My work in the hospital is rooted in this understanding too. Visits with patients in the hospital are not about me. They're not about what I want, where I want the conversation to go, my curiosities... Those visits are about helping the patient uncover the emotions they have pushed deep down because they're facing a life-threatening illness; or inviting the family into a conversation about how to care for the patient because they are actively dying; or brightening the patient's mood because they love to laugh and there's not much to laugh about in a hospital; or providing a sense of normalcy in a place where the patient feels everything but normal; or helping the patient suss out their regrets because they know there's not much time left.

We reflectively listen to people's stories helping to draw out of them that which they hadn't yet articulated. We help them clarify values, feelings, emotions, and beliefs. We hold the patient's hand when they're in pain, hug the mourners, and pray over the deceased. It's about meeting people where they are at and accompanying them through that moment in time.

Hospital chaplaincy is most certainly not my call. But working in this setting has helped me to better understand the ways in which I try to put myself first. Hear me though-- Self Care is really important. My last post even said so. I'm not saying we must become a martyr to others-- especially those that drain you of your resources. But if we truly believe in doing ministry that follows Jesus' teachings and actions, then we cannot look away from the marginalized, the helpless, or the stigmatized.

One of the biggest, most privileged, mistakes I have made, is assuming someone's needs. I continue to learn this lesson every time I walk into a patient's room. I try not to make any snap judgments about how I can help the patient or the family. Each person has their own set of needs that we cannot know until we ask and engage them in conversation. Listening to the heart of what someone is saying helps me to better grasp their needs. Sometimes the patient doesn't know what they need emotionally or spiritually until I draw it out of them, but I can only draw it out if I pay attention to the nuanced words or intonation in their voice. If I assume what they need, the patient will never feel heard. 

I just paused writing this post because Milo needed to go out. So we went for a walk, he did his business. When we came back and I sat back down at the computer, Milo started whining from the other room. What could he possibly need? I just took care of all his needs. 

Lo and behold, this is what he wanted. 
And now he's snoring peacefully.









                                 It's not about me. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Self-Care, Success, and Apples

**Note: I write more when I notice multiple ideas synchronizing at the same time... this is one of those posts. That also means this may be a bit scattered... **

I'm big on self-care. I used to be horrible at it, or at least it was misdirected. I would over-exercise, deny myself yummy food, and get up early/stay up late. I thought it was healthy because that's what everyone tells you-- "everyone" meaning american culture, hollywood, magazines, and TV... when I think about it that way, it's pretty clear that all of those have become the same thing. I digress...

When I went into my Ordination Interview last week, one of the questions they asked me was about where I saw myself in ministry in 5 years.  As someone seeking a first call, logistically a 5 year window lands you right on the cusp of transitioning from the first call to the second. So really, I could have said any number of positions-- senior pastor, specialized associate pastor, solo pastor, campus minister, social service chaplain...

I briefly responded to his question by saying I will likely head for the parish, but I'm open to however the Spirit moves me. And then, I followed it up by saying:
"AND... I want to be in a healthy place." 
The man who asked the question, who is also a pastor, laughed (I don't know why, perhaps he assumed I meant a church that was healthy). Despite his laughter, I continued speaking because being healthy is so important to me as a person, a partner, and a pastor. I went on to say that we have lost a serious understanding of self-care in ministry and that if we don't cultivate pastors and parishioners who put in the time to take care to themselves, then we are going to lose church all together.

I am one of the biggest self-care advocates that I know and it's largely because of the shift that happened for me in seminary-- going from an exerciseaholic to someone who takes time to rest. I know what it's like to think I'm resting, when really I'm stressing myself out, depriving myself of sleep, and working too hard. True self-care is something I learned during field ed in seminary, not through the seminary itself. There was very little evidence, institutionally, that self-care was of any import. Yet, my mentor had developed incredible boundaries for herself that she wanted to pass on knowing that as a young pastor I would soon be swept up into a congregation who wanted to work me hard. Being a young female, and the product of a generation that is always connected to something (thank you, technology), I often feel like I need to prove myself. I buy into the myth that working harder, longer, busier hours will get me everything I need to succeed in life.

But what is success anyway?

And especially success at the expense of one's health?

I am grateful to Rob Leveridge, a brilliant UCC pastor and singer/songwriter, who wrote a blogpost today about apple trees.  Rob asks the question: What is the purpose of the apple tree? We think it is to produce apples, when really it is to produce more apple trees. Rob writes, "People think apples are the plant's reason for being, because WE love to eat apples, and we cultivate and groom the trees to get their fruit. But from the tree's point of view, the apple is just a part of a process that serves a bigger goal. It's a delivery system for the seeds." So if success is not our fruits, then what is it?

Success is embodied in the seeds we plant. This means that the way we live our life, the legacies we leave for those who follow us must be seeds worth reaping. What does the way you live your life say to your children? Your parishioners?

So, I understand self-care as the manifold practices of ritual and activity and/or lack thereof that help us to maintain a healthy emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental well-being. This can be anything from a nap to a walk in the forest to watching a movie to using all of your vacation days to blogging to playing with your kids or your dog or your partner just because. Perhaps it's spontaneous, perhaps its a ritual... but hopefully it is sacred and life-giving.

When we live in ways that honor our bodies, honor G-d, and honor each other, we plant seeds for future generations that say:
       
      There is more to life than busyness.
                  Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed.
                           Take care of yourself.
                                                                 
                                                           Pause.         Breathe.
                       
                                 
              Do what is life-giving. 
                                                                          Is your life giving?


At Koinonia on Sunday, we experienced the last installment of a sermon series called Generation to Generation. Each week, to my understanding, the pastors invited folks from the highlighted generation of that week to respond to a few questions that helped the congregation understand more about their generation. Questions like: What was the most significant political event of your time? What does the grace of G-d look like for you? What was passed onto you that you remember most? This last week we heard from the Builder Generation (those who were greatly influenced by the Great Depression and WWII). Over the course of the conversation, we heard from these folks how the lives of their parents or grandparents gave them support, strength, music, opportunities, hope. And we heard about how their lives are giving to their children now....perspective, stories, love.

Generation to generation, our lives give... so do what is life-giving.


Last thing...  It was important for me to tell the committee that I hope to be in a healthy place because now they can hold me accountable to this commitment. I feel more dedicated to taking care of myself and finding ways of taking my Sabbath because I know there are others who will look to me as an example. I am a woman of my word... especially when my word is life-giving.