~Finding God::16~

"Dance your cares away, worries for another day, let the music play... down at fragglerock!"

(in my case... New Zealand)

Lists, schedules, calendars, mapping out, scratching out, adding more. 

This is my life. More and more I realize just how worried I really am. All the time.  I was in my Eastern Spiritualities class, learning about Buddhism and my professor told a proverb... I didn't think I would forget it, so I didn't write it down... but I have since forgotten. Anyway, it was about worrying. (More on this later.) Anyway, my mind, always hurried to find comparisons, took me to Matthew 6:34 which says (in the Message) "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."  I was reminded, as I always am when I read this passage, that God's got my back. But, this is different. 

This is the plight of my life. God, nor Jesus, NOR the Holy Spirit for that matter, try as I may, will do my homework for me! Yea, Go dmay have given me the knowledge and gifts that I have. And perhaps Jesus is my motivator (in a practical aspect) to get me through my work so I can get to seminary and help change the world. And perhaps the Holy Spirit moves over me to encourage me occasionally. But no matter how much I plead, I always wind up with the homework in front of me at the end of the day. 

(Jokes. They're jokes I tell you.) 

Homework is piling up. Travel plans are being made. Fun is being had. My spirit is losing its vigor-- HOW AM I TO BALANCE EVERYTHING!?

Momma always tells me to look at the big picture... "Honey, look at it in the grand scheme of things..." she says. And I know, I KNOW I'm in New Zealand. I should be enjoying it!!! And I am. I really really am. But I can't help but to let my competitive self let go of this addiction. Buddhists learn to let go. To detach themselves from anything and everything. The world is full of suffering and frustration they say. Finding your inner, not-self (don't ask, I can't explain) and a way to beat the complex and ill world is their goal. They do this through practices, especially through meditation. I should try it and see where it gets me. It can never hurt right? 

Back to this being worried thing. I know God is behind me all the time. I was encouraged, as I was thinking about applying to become the president of the interfaith organization at Elmhurst, by the verse about all things working together for the good of those who love God.  Easy enough, right? God's presence is so visible. God is funny. Hear me out...

[Friend 1 and Friend 2 are two of my closest friends... I just didn't want their names in here.]

I had a dream a few nights ago where I was in a big fellowship hall and I was surrounded by Elmhurst students. I knew some, but not all of them. We were standing up and were ready to hold hands and pray.  When I told the bunch at the other end of the circle to spread out, suddenly, more people came out of the circle... so many so that we had both EC and SYI people and then some! We were soon spread out at all sorts of tables and a guy, who I feel like must have been involved in our Campus Crusade for Christ, got up, said about 5 sentences of prayer, and concluded with an Amen. Then he asked if anyone who is struggling or in despair would remian seated. I look cross the room and Friend 1 and Friend 2 are still sitting down, among others. The guy says, "I don't know what I was going to do about it, I just wanted to check." Weird. So then I do one of those up-nods to Friend 1 comes over to me. All i keep saying is "i've missed you so much. I miss you." And as tears stream down my face, all she can say is, "I want to cry." And so my alarm goes off. 

I talked to Friend 2 the next day and asked if she was ok, genuinely, truly ok. She said yes (Phew). Then I emailed Friend 1. She emailed me back in awe. She is graduating from college in a week or so and had her last class with her most beloved professor/mentor on campus that day. She asked if I was sleeping at the equivalent to 9am-4pm that day... This was the case.  As the reality of her being done with college and leaving such a wonderful place set in, her professor said she wanted to cry. So did my friend. She said the feeling never left her. 

WOW. If I ever had any doubt in God, it was depleted in that moment. I have never felt that before. The fact that we were so connected through a complex dream from other ends of the world. There's something about it that was just so Divinely inspired. 

I realized that I don't need to worry about anything. God has always been there and will always be there. Unfortunately, homework is part of my earthly duties, so I shall keep plugging away at it for now. I will attempt meditation to get my soul back to somehwat-center. And all at the same time, I will ...

"Dance my cares away, worries for another day, let the music play... down in New Zealand."

(Who knew you could find God in Fraggle Rock? Thank you Jim Henson.)

~Finding God::15~

I have a book entitled "1001 Things to Make You Happy." I lend it out to my friends when they've hit a rough patch and need a pick me up. But most of the time it sits on my shelf waiting for a crappy day to come along so it can be held with angst or tears in an effort to make someones day a little brighter.

Well, I have a little time on my hands so I thought I would make a list of the things that make me happy/smile. Hopefully this will be a work in progress as I'm sure I will think of things I omitted tonight and will also come upon new developments.


+ Listening to Norah Jones and stretching. (Odd combo, i know, but soothing, nonetheless.)
+ Peach Rings and Chocolate Fish (Although I do need to cut down my sugar intake...)
+ Getting out of class early on a sunny day.
+ Creative worship services
+ Feeling accomplished
+ Easter
+ ...and for that matter Good Friday and Ash Wednesday
+ The feeling after a good workout
+ Fruit markets
+ blogging/journaling (my mom thinks I should be a writer. Writing is different than these -ings)
+ BOOKS. I'm not a good reader, but I could sit in B&N or Borders all.day.long. (You can find me in either the religious or history sections if you need me.)
+ The feeling of home even when I am not.
+ Certain people
+ The prospect that I can help change the world
+ My family, despite their oddities:)
+ Having theological conversations with my theological friends. (And my non-theologically minded friends as well... but the former just gives me a fuzzy feeling.)
+ First Congregational Church, Battle Creek (FCCBC)
+ Seeing other people succeed after a long struggle
+ (and now for something completely different........) Richard Gere (He's my old man crush!)
+ Historical Fiction movies, despite the quality of acting (e.g. National Treasure; Night at the Museum)
+ My best friend in the whole wide world
+ SYI and all it involves
+ My friends here in NZ
+ NEW ZEALAND in general
+ My mentors in all their various forms and locations
+ Having conversations in which I'm forced to think about things I've never thought about before
+ Christian Century Magazine
+ Elmhurst College and all its accessories (friends, orgs, people, classes, professors, faculty)
+ Writing sermons
+ New Zealand Meat Pies
+ Participating in activities which promote social justice in the community and world
+ Being helpful
+ Road trips
+ Mission trips
+ Fellowship
+ Summer time
+ Golf (particularly EC golf [season, team, hotel nights])
+ Inside jokes
+ Massive amounts of laughter
+ Potato Wedges Day at Waikato
+ Realizing that life is beautiful

~Finding God::14~

Ecclectic
Funny
Deeply Profound
Diverse
Embracing
Quirky
Questioning

This is what I've been looking for. I have been yearning for a small community to join that would make me feel at home in my faith.

I think I've found it.

Tonight, the chaplain invited me join a group called Exile. They are a random group of people, not primarily students, who (for most) have found the church to be not a good place for them... whether it be because of things that have happened in their past or the institution of church just hasn't set right with them. They are diverse in age, vocation and faith: students, young, middle aged, unemployed, an artist, a preist, evangelical, liberal, a little bit of both. And this only begins to describe the 8 people who were at the meeting tonight. We came together at our chaplain's house. She and her husband, both ordained in the Anglican church, live in the parsonage next to his church. We simply sat aroud a table with a simple meal of soup and bread while enjoying casual conversation about our weeks, funny stories, and more. After, we moved into the living room to talk about Easter. Many had attended "Stations of the Cross," which I am sad I missed, here in Hams. After the conversation about that dwindled, we continued to discuss something from Easter that stood out for us. For our chaplain it was the notion of "Death never having the last word." For others it was an image from the Stations. For me, although I missed an actual Easter service (first time in 21 years, I believe) it was the personal side of Easter.

I was thinking about what Easter means as an example of the ebb and flow of the tide in my life. Bringing the stories of our lives to life in the death and resurrection of Christ. The palm sundays (the joyous occasions), the betrayals (whether by us or others to us), the Last Suppers (the sacred meals with close friends), the good fridays and being nailed to the cross (the awful, painful experiences), and of course the Easters/Resurrections (good, praiseworthy things).

When you experience a Good Friday, I think it really is Good because it makes the Easters that much more special. We would never know Easter if we never knew Good Friday...

How does this change your view of Easter? Or does it? I would like to hear thoughts.

(It's starting to feel vulnerable because no one is commenting! Just kidding, blogs are bascially signing up for vulnerability.)

On a "same same but different" note, Exile meets every Sunday night. Their typical month looks like this: Discussion and dinner, worship, movie, movie discussion. I was also informed this weeks numbers were very low due to being out of sync with the month for a bit. We should be expecting 20-30 at worship next week! I'm especially excited worship:]

~Finding God::13~

How much of an apple do you eat?

No, really, think about it. Do you cut it using the handy apple-cutter and leave the center core with some still on it? Do you eat around the edges until you get too close to the core to care anymore? Do you leave the overhang at the top and bottom becuase you're too afraid to get too close to the stem or that weird thing on the underside of the apple? Does it look like that one?

<---------

How much do you get out of life? Are you stuck in an office 8-5, following the same schedule daily? Do you enjoy your time with your family? Do you wait anxiously at your computer for the next email just so you have something to do? Do you get out of the house?

Needless to say, that was me before I came to New Zealand. Sitting by the computer, not enjoying my time with my family, eating only part of the apple. By coming here I have finally figured out that life is more than sitting at the computer waiting for an email, or being attached to my phone, waiting for the next text. It is good to keep in touch, yes, but there's so much more to life. I can't kick myself for not living life because I have been, just not to the fullest. Being in New Zealand has made me realize how much potential the world has. It has helped me become more active and enjoy myself more than ever. I was only eating part of the apple, missing out on the little bits that are just as good, if not better than the rest of the apple.

God has this marvelous life planned out for all of us. We have so much potential... we need to find the opportunities and take hold of them as often as we can because who knows how long they will be around.

I just found out that I'm supposed to be off campus June 27th, but can stay for $30 NZD a night; however, my flight is scheduled for June 30th. So i called the travel company and they haven't been able to find any domestic flights from LA-DTW to change to, so I may just be here for a few more days with "nothing" to do. I need to suck it up and stick with my flight. I get in homesick moods and then get really excited to get home. If I wasn't so homesick at this moment, I would be fine with being around for a few more days. My rationale was that I had a free flight change, and it cost money to stay some extra nights. So I'll try back in a few days and see if anything has changed, and we'll figure it out then. Besides, I may want to stick around anyway.

The point of this story is that I found God in one of my friends here at Waikato. Her name is Anna and she is my RA. Everytime I manage to update my Facebook status (for those of you who aren't facebook savvy, it just means I put up a little blurb about how i'm feeling or what I'm doing) and say something in reference to frustration, sadness, anxiety, whatever it may be, she constantly has words to help me. Today we talked about my plane issue and she encouraged me to enjoy it while i'm here. She said, "You are already here and there's nothing you can do to change it, so might as well enjoy it!" She's right. I'm going home when I'm going home and that's all there is to it. A wise friend once said to me, "Be homesick. It's ok. Just know that we will all be here when you return." That is what has kept me going the most. I even realized that even though spring break was an amazing two weeks, I still had yearnings to come back to Uni because it was familiar and because I had work to do. Who knows how the Good Lord puts up with me. I got back and realized that break was fabulous and that I'm going to miss our road trip moments, the amazing sights, the food, the laughs, and the adventure of hostels. It was a wonderful time, and I wish it hadn't gone by so fast. I know I'm going to feel that way in the end of being here in NZ.

There is a lot of school work that separates me and the end of the semester and the school week seems to fly by here (unlike at home, where the week goes by slow and weekend fast). This just means I have to get my work done the best I can, not stress about getting A's and enjoy my time.

I challenge you too to live your life.

Eat more of the apple.

~Finding God::12~

This is Milford Sound. A sound is an area of land/water such as this created by water which has melted off a glacier. Milford is actually a Fiord becuase it came from a body of water, not a glacier, but we aren't concerned with details right now.

I kayaked Milford Sound on my two week break. What a sight. It was unbelievable. There was a waterfall in the distance and our guide asked us how far away we thought it was. People were saying 2km, we were saying a mile... but in fact it was 5 miles away. Because of the sheer massiveness of the mountains surrounding the water, things seemed a lot closer than they really were. We kayaked all day and didnt get very far. It was wonderful.

"Because you're not yet taking God seriously," said Jesus. "The simple truth is that if you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, 'Move!' and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn't be able to tackle." (Mt. 17:20-21, MSG)

This passage has a whole new meaning after being at Milford. You sit there and look around you. You are a tiny morsel of being compared to these gigantuan mountains which line the water all around you. We kayaked around and when you get up close, you look up the mountain and can't see the top. It was so massive.

There are no other words to describe it. But when you think about the Matthew passage, if we have faith, as small as a poppy or mustard seed, we can move mountains. Now, of course we can't move them literally, but it refers to the power of faith. However, I find myself lacking faith frequently, especially while in New Zealand. I had to put my faith in God to come here, to be safe, to find a community, and to simply live. Granted, everything has been fine thus far, which tells me that despite my faith, God is still working wonders in my life. I wonder, if I give up- not give up in the sense that I am quitting, but in the sense of giving everything to God- if there may be an abundance of joy waiting for me. God has the plan and continues to reveal it to me... yet I find it easier to freak out and not acknowledge the fact that it really is under control. By no means is it easier because it causes stress and anxiety through the roof.

Why is it so hard to give up and give all of my stress to God.... I want control, and I know that's the issue, but I also know it isn't my place to have the control. Things will work out. I'll get grades (whether they are A's or not, who knows), I'll have fun, I'll continue to be living in the presence of God and everything will be great. I know it will. It always works out.

I have a feeling it works out the same whether or not I freak out, so I might as well stop worrying and start living. No one's going to care if I graduated Summa Cum Laude in 10 years, they're going to want to know how amazing it was living in New Zealand for 5 months. (So maybe I'm a little obsessed about grades... I know...)

Everything else will fall in place.

It will.

I just know it.

As long as I have faith.