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Being home is hard.

After being home for a week and a half I went to Guatemala for our 09 Mission trip.

I don't know a better word than "hard." It's like everything I knew was ripped out from under me... twice.

I got to Guatemala and couldn't process. All I could think about was how much I missed NZ and how similar some of the mountainous views were. We did a drive one day that was so much like driving on the South Island... I wanted to cry.

I didn't know where to be. I wanted to be present in Guatemala and for the most part, I was... But I think this part of me that wants to be in NZ is going to remain for ages because it was such a great experience with incredible people and it just went too fast.

So then I finally got comfortable in Guatemala and we had to leave. When I had my exit interview (something we're doing for a future video), all I could talk about was community... the community that surrounded me when we were sleeping on the floor of the DFW airport... the community that surrounded me at our first night of devotions... the community that surrounded me every morning at breakfast and night at dinner... the community that took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself (for those who don't know, I got a concussion... story for a later date).... the community that played the cup game endless times and variations... the community that laughed, lived, loved, sang, built, and cried together for ten days. It was the best mission trip anyone could ask for and I was there.

But then it was gone. We talk about mountain top experiences and how we have to come down from them to continue doing our work in the world off the mountain top... but sometimes I wish we could stay... just a little longer.

So two back to back incredible experiences... how does one cope?

I want to process but I think my brain is exhausted from it... It's ok... i'm not concerned... i'll process and think about it when I need to.

But for now...

I need to let it all soak in....

and might as well mention, 24 days till I reunite myself with the third most wonderful place on the planet... Elmhurst College.

~Finding God::24~

...in Bungy Jumping...

Putting faith in a whole lot of little tubes of elastic is tough...

trusting God shouldn't be...

~Finding God::23~

I regret.

I regret a lot of things...

Not in a painstakingly awful way... I just do...

But, I have learned from them. I didn't make a mistake, I just didn't do things the way I should have. And I've learned... that's the important part, right? Let go of the past because theres nothing you can do about it now, and learn. Soak it all up and take it for what its worth.

Learn and apply.

That's all.

~Finding God:: 22~

(This was typed as my brain thought... welcome to sporadic part of my life...)

It's all come down to this.

It's the end.

It's the place I never thought I'd reach.

I thought I'd been gone weeks ago. I didn't even think I was going to get on the plane, actually. Did you know, I never wanted to come here? I only did it because I felt obligated to do so. Ok, ok, maybe it was divinely inspired. But, I don't know. I was never settled on coming here until about, oh, maybe halfway through? I never felt comfortable or at ease with it. It took a lot. A lot of trust in God, a lot of faith that I would make it through, a lot of patience with my heavy heart. a lot of a lot of things.

I wouldn't trade it for the world. This has been the most amazing experience of my life. I don't want to get too into that yet. I'll save it for a future post when all the goodbyes have been said, planes have landed, and I have slept in my own bed :)

But seriously. Let's think about this. I just arrived in New Zealand four months ago.

And now, all that I've known for months is going to be swept out from under my feet. I want to know if I'm going to land on my feet... or on my ass. They always say going back home is the hardest. But I think I'm ready to take it on. It's going to be good. I'm actually not too worried about it anymore...

But I am going to miss things... I've known something so similar but yet so different for 16 weeks. In all reality, that doesn't sound like much. And compared to a lifetime, it isn't. But, nonetheless here we are.

I had my last laundry day last wednesday. Tomorrow will be the final vacuuming of "my" room. I only get to sleep in this bed 5 more times. These are the final moments with my friends. The friends I never thought I would make. I'm finished with two of three classes. One more test. Last few times taking the bus (thank GOD). Turned in my last essay today. Soon, no more crappy dining hall food. No more runs around our beautiful campus, in beautiful weather. My best NZ friend has gone home for break.... that might be the most depressing bit... to know that I may never see her again, in person (we have to hold out for technology (skype) these days).

Just when I started feeling at home...

Packing. Pitching. Giving away. It all seems so final. When I'm at Elmhurst, I know I'm coming back.

I'm not coming back.

And I will have to live with the fact that I didn't live it up enough. I'm trying to not regret things. And for the most part, I'm more than happy with how the semester went. We always have things we wish we could have done differently. I have mine... but they're not major. It happens.

So maybe I do get too caught up in schoolwork. Well, I have a feeling that will never change. It's who I am (whether I like it or not)... it's engrained in me. But I have learned self-care (a very important thing that needs to be put in my "When I'm a pastor..." book). I have learned how to take time for myself, how to enjoy myself and still get work done at the same time.

I also know now that I can move away from home. If I can live on the other side of the world and still keep contact with my family, going anywhere, doing anything, and flights! oh my gosh! It's all going to be a piece of cake. Initially, anyway. I know I will have my difficulties. But this has made me realize how independent I can be. Truthfully... this has been an eye opening semester.

So much happened at home over these four months (and, we should really include feb.... so five months)... and I've come to understand that yes, I like to solve problems, but I can't be there for everyone every step of the way.

But I'm going to miss meusli for breakfast every morning at 9am. I can get it at home (it's called granola:]) but it won't be the same. I'll miss hearing amanda's laugh in the caf usually at dinner... and I don't even know amanda. I'll miss being able to run over to Telayna's window and seeing what she's up to. I'll miss my little room which has become my space. I'll miss the very cheap fruit market that is just a couple blocks away. I'll miss the genuine Kiwi kindness and hospitality. I'll miss my sunday night group, Exile.

[got distracted for about an hour... i think that means this post is done]

I'll be back when I get home and semi-readjusted to give you a post-update.

Unless of course I find God in Sydney, which is very possible... I'll keep you posted.

~Finding God::21~

Someday ... or Now?

Clarence Jordan

You can't come face-to-face with the kingdom of God and respond, "I like this idea of the God Movement, but you know, I got a spouse and some children. I gotta raise them, and let me get them up out of the way and off to college and get them through college and let me get my house paid for and all these things. And then, when I get free from all these obligations, I think it'd be nice to retire into the kingdom of God."

Jesus said, "The kingdom of God just isn't an old folks home. You don't retire into it. I want you to get busy NOW."

This quote from Inward/Outward excites me and scolds me all in the same breath. I love it because it helps us realize the immediacy of the Kingdom of God here on earth. It helps me re-focus and realize why I'm here. Of course school is important, but I need to ask myself everyday, "How did I help build the Kingdom of God today?" I keep saying, "Oh, I'll keep trying, but I'll really get on the bandwagon once I'm done with college and living my own life during my volunteer year and beyond." But no, I need to start NOW.