*Let your life speak: Ch. 4*

Chapter 4 "All the Way Down" is all about Palmer's struggle with depression. I haven't experienced depression but I have been in some pretty low places while struggle with some issues. I could go on and on about the chapter but not having personal experience or being able to relate too much isn't going to be helpful for anyone. So, since he had some pretty profound things to say that are general, we're going to take it from there.

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Palmer had a discussion with a women in which she asked "Why do some people kill themselves yet others get well?" All he could say was "I have no idea." He felt awful about his answer, but what was he supposed to say? I mean, really? A few days later, she had sent him a letter saying that the thing she was holding onto most was those four words- I have no idea. "[His] response had given her an alternative to the cruel "Christian explanations" common in the church to which she belonged-- that people who take their lives lack faith or good works or some other redeeming virtue that might move God to rescue them. [His] not knowing had freed her to stop judging herself for being depressed and to stop believing that God was judging her. As a result, her depression had lifted a bit" (59). This makes me sick.

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Why do we have people in the church telling others that they aren't worthy of life?

Why do we have people in the church guilting people into taking their lives?

Why do we have people in the church letting people commit suicide because it's God's plan?

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What kind of awful answers are we giving people?

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I thought the church was about community and Christianity about hope? We just passed through Easter and for me, that's all the resurrection is about... HOPE. Palmer discusses love-- A kind of love "in which we represent God's love to a suffering person, a God who does not "fix"us but gives us strength by suffering with us. By standing respectfully and faithfully at the borders of another's solitude, we may mediate the love of God to a person who needs something deeper than any human being can give" (64). Well, if we can learn something from Palmer here, it is to tell the truth so someone who is depressed. Perhaps that will save them more than our petty answers. Accept the grace, the "inexplicable grace"of God and give them "I don't knows." You may be saving their life.

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Palmer refers back to a time when he imagined someone coming to him and attempting to get his attention but try after try he does not respond. This is what happens when we don't listen to God. When we aren't paying attention, we can get ourselves deeper into our issues than we would have ever liked. This "person" was trying to get a hold of him before his depression hit. This is, of course, not to say that depression was what God wanted for his life, but when you don't listen to God, your life isn't going to be easy... That sounds harsh, but I can't think of any other way to say it. I don't mean it harshly...

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Paul Tillich describes God as the "ground of being" and I think more than God being that, God grounds us. God is that on which we depend.... God is that which made us... but God grounds us. God humbles us. God brings us back to earth to realize that we aren't God. We are beings of wholeness that must learn to embrace our weaknesses, liabilities, darkness... When we recognize those things, "I.. give that part less sway over me, because all it ever wanted was to be acknowledged as part of my whole self" (71). We have our own human issues. We can never be God. We get so wrapped up in trying to be a perfect person, but it isn't until we recognize our our faults AND embrace them, that we can be a whole human.

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It's hard.

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But God is more powerful than our faults. God's love for our lives takes our faults head on to encompass them with all of God's being. God's ability to transform our lives is incomprehensible.

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Parker Palmer wrote a poem after he triumphed over depression. This poem explains God's transformative love and power in our lives:

Harrowing

The plow has savaged this sweet field

Misshapen clods of earth kicked up

Rocks and twisted roots exposed to view

Last year's growth demolished by the blade.

I have plowed my life this way

Turned over a whole history

Looking for the roots of what went wrong

Until my face is ravaged, furrowed, scarred.

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Enough. The job is done.

Whatever's been uprooted, let it be

Seedbed for the growing that's to come.

I plowed to unearth last year's reasons--

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The farmer plows to plant a greening season.

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"The farmer plows to plant a greening season"....

What are you plowing? What are you planting?

*Let your life speak: Ch. 3*

Palmer reflects on the idea of way closing... doors closing... opportunities being shot down. He reflects on his own experience and how that has helped him discern his calling(s). Most people say, "When one door closes, another one opens." But thinking logically, that's not always the case and as Palmer talks about his own, it isn't about finding that open door but embracing the one that has closed.

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For him, that door closing is not another opportunity that has gone by the wayside. That door represents a limit. We all have limits and potentials. We all have things we're good at and things we're not. Palmer challenges us to see those closed ways/doors as God telling us that it just isn't for us because that's not where our deep gladness is. For example, he was fired from his sociology assistantship. Instead of thinking of it as a negative experience and something at which he failed, he came to recognize it as an opportunity to recognize that sociology is not where his gifts, talents, and heart is.

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Although it is easy to see a way close, it isn't always easy to understand. This is why prayerful discernment is so important. Asking God is always a good way to go, but even talking to our friends and family... finding out what we are good at and maybe they told Palmer-- "We didn't think you were good for that job anyway." This can get tricky... but if you find the people that know you best, they often have a good feel for what your gifts are... even more so than yourself. This is important: "... When I constantly refuse to take no for an answer, I miss the vital clues to my identity that arise when way closes-- and I am more likely both to exceed my limits and to do harm to others in the process" (43).

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He discusses the ecology of life and how we are like organisms in an ecosystem: "there are some roles and relationships in which we thrive and others in which we wither and die" (44). This is where I'm finding myself. Which ecosystem next? Well, I know LA is next... but after that? Is it Berkeley? Lancaster? Twin Cities? Denver? I don't know yet. I told Emily Joye (our new--and amazing-- associate at church) that this spring I am shedding control and embracing ambiguity. I just had this discussion with Rev. about how I need to stop worrying about seminary stuff... I'm not going to be certain for at LEAST 6 months, so I need not get all frustrated with the process. That's why it's a process.

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BUT I do need to figure out which place is going to be the ecosystem in which I may thrive. I need to "stay true to what I know about myself" (47) and that should help me decide too. After all, the seminary at which I end up will be my home for another three years. It has to embody qualities I appreciate and need in order to live to my fullest. It has to be able to open me up to new possibility, help me realize my potential, and bring me to new revelations. Palmer says that when he does something that is out of character or not of his nature, way closes behind him. I've done that. I went to Cornerstone... it totally wasn't right... and i new it the day the Christian Ed. major was rid of. Actually, I knew it the day I came to finally understand what the UCC was all about (June before school started) but I couldn't do anything about it then. Nothing was going well, I was depressed and school was harder than it needed to be. I transferred. Instead of taking it as a failure, I realized that it just wasn't for me. It wasn't where I needed to be to thrive...

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That place, was Elmhurst. So here I am, thriving and growing. But time is almost over and it's time to find that next place. Through my experience I have learned what Palmer says on p. 52: "We will become better [pastors] not by trying to fill the potholes in our souls but by knowing them so well that we can avoid falling into them." I have been figuring out my potholes... figuring out what it is that I need to avoid... figuring out what it is that empties me and isn't REALLY a part of me... Avoid that, and we could have smooth sailing.

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"We must learn to embrace the opposites, to live in a creative tension between our limits and our potentials. We must honor our limitations in ways that do not distort our nature, and we must trust and use our gifts in ways that fulfill the potentials God gave us" (55).

*Let your life speak: Ch. 2*

"Now I become myself.

It's taken time, many years and places.

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people's faces..."

-Mary Sarton

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That is the quest for vocation in 21 words, Palmer tells us. It's so hard to be yourself when you see people all around you accomplishing what you want to accomplish... and being that kind of person you have always wanted to be. When we are young we are easily impressionable. We see others and do whatever we can to be them. After all, theologian Craig Barnes (from PTS) says our lives are not about what we do but who we are. So then, why not find someone we want to be like and take on their personality, sayings, mannerisms as our own? Well, because that isn't who God is calling us to be.

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Palmer quotes Rabbi Zusya who said, "In the coming world, they will not ask me: Why were you not Moses? They will ask me: Why were you not Zusya?" That's a good enough answer. Moses is not who God is calling EACH of us to be... ___(your name here)___ is who God is calling you to be. We are to be our true selves. In the quaker tradition, that true self is our inner light or "that of God." That's powerful... our TRUEST self... is that which is of God. Imago Dei...We were made in the image of God... ALL OF US... with each of our interests and thoughts and ideas... Now, THAT is a powerful God. A wonderful God. One that embodies all of creation. It is awe-some to say that I have the same God as my Cornerstone friends, my pre-seminary friends, my Muslim and Jewish friends, and others around the world. AWE-some.

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More on discernment... So Palmer talks about how we can find ourselves on our journey wearing other people's faces. I've done this. You've done this. We've all done it. It's stupid and sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it. I did this for three years... when I realized it, I didn't know what to do with myself. After I had already committed to something with my "face" I had this grand realization about my life... my life as a Christian... as a member of a community... and as a member of the United Church of Christ. I finally realized what it meant to really be.

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"The deepest vocational question is not 'What ought I do with my life?' It is the more elemental and demanding 'Who am I? What is my nature?'" (15). I was too busy figuring out what I was going to do with my life to figure out who I truly was. You cannot do unless you are.... Buechner's famous definition of vocation is "the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need." In oder to figure out how to meet the world's deepest need, you have to figure out your deep gladness. It doesn't work the other way around. In order to figure out who we are, we also have to figure out WHOSE we are. "God's. I am God's" I wrote next to that sentence in Palmers book (17). What a breathtaking idea. I am first a child of God.

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The second part of this chapter deals with the darkness that comes with a journey into vocation. A journey isn't all about ups..but it isn't only about downs either. The first time I read Palmer's book, he helped me recognize something I couldn't name... a fear of failure. He was afraid of failing in the scholarly world... his fear of failure was different from mine. At first, when I thought of transferring from Cornerstone, I thought... "Well, this sucks. I've failed at making decisions. I chose to go here and I am failing by transferring." How wrong I was. I realized that decision wasn't one of failure but one of life... life-giving opporutnity. I was getting a new start. In that time of being at CU, I "had denied my true self..." but if I had "[remained] "at my post" simply because I was paralyzed with fear, I would almost certainly be lost in bitterness today instead of" going where I needed to be to grow and develop into the person God is calling me to be (36).

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Every journey into vocation has the chance to bring us closer to matching our "deep gladness" with "the world's deep need." I've already had one of those journeys and there are only more to make-- JVC. Seminary. And then some.

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This whole process of discernment is spiritually exhausting, but totally worth it. I discerned JVC. I know it is going to be incredible and incredibly challenging all at the same time, but I am ready. The ambiguity of seminary right now is killing me but I know that by the time I get all my visits done this fall I will at least be closer to figuring it out. I mean, I'm closer now than I was a year ago. I didn't think I would be as far in the discernment process so soon... but here we are and I'm down to four seminaries.

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My time as a JV in Hollywood/LA will help me identify more of my deep gladness and more of the world's deep need. My time as a seminarian will help me with that too... However, first things first

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In the word's of Anne Lamott, we'll figure it out... "bird by bird"...

*Let your life speak: Ch. 1*

So, the Lenten blogging is over... (aaand it went ok) but I see myself needing to discern more and more everyday. And, what do I do when I have a lot of discernment to do? Pray and read Parker Palmer's book, "Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the voice of vocation." So here we are blogging about Palmer's book and its applicability to my discernment process... This is the fourth time (at least) that I have read this book, and I find something new in it every time. So I pray that this series will be of use to you as much as it is to me and that through my processing you may come to understand your life and find ways to let your life speak, as well.

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"I must listen to my life and try to understand what it is truly about... or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions" (4). Wow, this hits hard. I feel as though I have never represented anything real in the world because, at this point, how could I understand all that my life "is truly about"? Palmer is speaking as a 61 year old man who has a whole bunch more life experience than I... a whole bunch more time to have figured out what his life is truly about... a whole bunch more. So how do I accept that?

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Well, it's all a process, right? "The soul speaks its truth only under quiet, inviting, and trustworthy conditions" (7). I'm hoping that's part of the process too. In my room here at school, these conditions (particularly quiet and inviting) are hard to find/make for myself. I have some of the loudest roommates in the world and while I wouldn't trade them for anything, it is still hard to get peace and quiet. (In all honesty I'm looking forward to warm weather so I can sit on the mall and blog!) SO... I get quiet... invite God, and my soul, and my self to sit together... and I trust. Then what?

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Well, I pray, I suppose. In the quaker tradition (Palmer's tradition), you sit for a couple hours in complete silence. There's something called a "clearness committee" from the Quaker tradition. For me, I would sit with my discernment group from church and put a few of my questions out on the table. Then, we would sit there for two hours (maybe even three) not answering my questions but letting them ruminate... inviting them into the space... Allowing them to be. The people in my discernment group would ask me questions back. Not having conversation about it all, it would be just questions and silence... I do have to say, my group is a wild bunch of church folk that find it hard not to laugh. So, if nothing else, it could be a good test... hah.

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Back to Palmer... Trust means finding firm belief in something and if I'm going to firmly believe the answers my soul (and God) reveal, well, then that means taking the good with the bad. "I must also let it speak things I do not want to her and would never tell anyone else!" (6). Even in my discernment group I must embrace the questions that seem hard... ridiculous... out of the question... impossible... unbelievable... because in that space I am trusting that God is helping me understand my discernment. A Burundian proverb says, "Asking leads to knowledge." (I feel like the people from Burundi must be quaker... or Rabbis... Just kidding...). That embodies all that Palmer is talking about... asking questions.. whether they are answered aloud or not... asking them is what matters. Putting them out there to be heard.

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"It is a silence that forever invites us to fathom the meaning of our lives-- and forever reminds us of depths of meaning that words will never touch" (8).

+Lent2010: Sh#%+

So in high school, I quit swearing cold turkey... mostly because I was hanging out with someone who didn't and so I felt awful saying things around her. AND because I knew that if I said any kind of swear word in front of my parents, I would be toast. So I quit.

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And I'm thinking of doing it again.

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Here are reasons why:

1. It just sounds bad.

2. I have to watch how I talk in front of others.

3. You get to make up more awesome words to replace all the 4 lettered ones.

4. When I'm a pastor, it really won't be appropriate.

5. It will make conversation more colorful when I come up with those other words.

6. I always feel bad when I say it anyway.

7. This even includes "Oh my God..." because when I say that, I don't really know what I mean... so I might as well say "Golly-gee-willikers" or "oh my gosh"... i mean, honestly.

8. I don't necessarily like it when other people say it so I figure I better not be someone I don't like.

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I think that's all. I'm going to slowly work on it.

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In other news, here's a seminary update...

Eden- No

Andover Newton-No

Pittsburgh- No

Chicago- No

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Iliff (denver)

Pacific (Berkeley)

United (Twin Cities)

Lancaster (Pennsylvania)

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Iliff and Lancaster I still need to visit

United makes me nervous because to get scholarship I would have to take the GRE... and thats a no go.

PSR was just added to my list... I have no reason not to, and after looking at their website, I got excited.

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I will probably visit Lancaster in June, Iliff on my way to L.A., and PSR during this fall while I'm in CA. United will probably be visited this spring... sometime... SOON... holy cow! It's already April. wow. Well, we'll see.

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Lots to think about and discern.