*Let your life speak: Ch. 3*

Palmer reflects on the idea of way closing... doors closing... opportunities being shot down. He reflects on his own experience and how that has helped him discern his calling(s). Most people say, "When one door closes, another one opens." But thinking logically, that's not always the case and as Palmer talks about his own, it isn't about finding that open door but embracing the one that has closed.

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For him, that door closing is not another opportunity that has gone by the wayside. That door represents a limit. We all have limits and potentials. We all have things we're good at and things we're not. Palmer challenges us to see those closed ways/doors as God telling us that it just isn't for us because that's not where our deep gladness is. For example, he was fired from his sociology assistantship. Instead of thinking of it as a negative experience and something at which he failed, he came to recognize it as an opportunity to recognize that sociology is not where his gifts, talents, and heart is.

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Although it is easy to see a way close, it isn't always easy to understand. This is why prayerful discernment is so important. Asking God is always a good way to go, but even talking to our friends and family... finding out what we are good at and maybe they told Palmer-- "We didn't think you were good for that job anyway." This can get tricky... but if you find the people that know you best, they often have a good feel for what your gifts are... even more so than yourself. This is important: "... When I constantly refuse to take no for an answer, I miss the vital clues to my identity that arise when way closes-- and I am more likely both to exceed my limits and to do harm to others in the process" (43).

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He discusses the ecology of life and how we are like organisms in an ecosystem: "there are some roles and relationships in which we thrive and others in which we wither and die" (44). This is where I'm finding myself. Which ecosystem next? Well, I know LA is next... but after that? Is it Berkeley? Lancaster? Twin Cities? Denver? I don't know yet. I told Emily Joye (our new--and amazing-- associate at church) that this spring I am shedding control and embracing ambiguity. I just had this discussion with Rev. about how I need to stop worrying about seminary stuff... I'm not going to be certain for at LEAST 6 months, so I need not get all frustrated with the process. That's why it's a process.

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BUT I do need to figure out which place is going to be the ecosystem in which I may thrive. I need to "stay true to what I know about myself" (47) and that should help me decide too. After all, the seminary at which I end up will be my home for another three years. It has to embody qualities I appreciate and need in order to live to my fullest. It has to be able to open me up to new possibility, help me realize my potential, and bring me to new revelations. Palmer says that when he does something that is out of character or not of his nature, way closes behind him. I've done that. I went to Cornerstone... it totally wasn't right... and i new it the day the Christian Ed. major was rid of. Actually, I knew it the day I came to finally understand what the UCC was all about (June before school started) but I couldn't do anything about it then. Nothing was going well, I was depressed and school was harder than it needed to be. I transferred. Instead of taking it as a failure, I realized that it just wasn't for me. It wasn't where I needed to be to thrive...

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That place, was Elmhurst. So here I am, thriving and growing. But time is almost over and it's time to find that next place. Through my experience I have learned what Palmer says on p. 52: "We will become better [pastors] not by trying to fill the potholes in our souls but by knowing them so well that we can avoid falling into them." I have been figuring out my potholes... figuring out what it is that I need to avoid... figuring out what it is that empties me and isn't REALLY a part of me... Avoid that, and we could have smooth sailing.

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"We must learn to embrace the opposites, to live in a creative tension between our limits and our potentials. We must honor our limitations in ways that do not distort our nature, and we must trust and use our gifts in ways that fulfill the potentials God gave us" (55).