Back to the Future

Lots of thoughts floating around in my head, especially about how I really need to be going to bed so i can be rested for another full day tomorrow. And then my roommate reminded me of my mantra-- you can sleep when you die. So, therefore, here I am.

I realized yesterday (again) how anxious I am for the future. I currently have three countdowns going on right now. The first is until my internship at SYI in Pittsburgh this summer. Currently: 83 days, 14 hours, 39 minutes. The second is the end of school : 43 days, 12 hours, 39 minutes. And the final one is the end of school one but the days are being counted down post it by post it note on our wall. It actually looks pretty cool. I'd take a picture and post it if I had the energy. Maybe in the future...

ALL this to say that I need to stop looking ahead. and start living in the moment. I have one life to live. Thusfar, I can easily say I've lived it cautiously. Granted, I'm not a daredevil and that won't change. But I want adventure. I think that's why I'm really bucking to go to New Zealand. To have adventure. But then again it scares the hell out of me.

I can't be satisfied with myself. with who I am. Currently, I am...
1) trying to lose weight
2) stop biting my nails
3) stop touching my face (too much oil!)
4) become more spontaneous
5) become less of a procrastinator.

That's a lot for one chunk of time, but I need all of it to better myself... especially my confidence. I'm not happy with who I am physically or mentally. I feel inadequate, in a few ways.

I'm getting off on a trail... ok. It's just that I'm so excited for the future I can't be excited for what might happen in my day. It's one thing to say I can't wait till my test is done. It's another to say I can't wait till seminary. Because it's a lie. I CAN wait till seminary. That's going to mean harder work, preparing for a job, living on my own, REALLY, on my own, and then some. So I can wait. But I want to get past this petty college stuff. I like college. I LOVE IT. But all the gen eds that are making me frustrated and giving me poor grades. I just want to study what I like.

For heaven's sake, my blog is titled "live here... right now..." after a song I really like. Why can't I do that?

What would that look like?

Spontenaity?

Happiness?

I don't know. But it sounds appealing, whatever it is. I have to quit wanting to get back to the future and worry more about staying in the present. Why is that so hard? We are so much about getting ahead... progressing... It's the same reason EVERYONE moves forward when we are sitting at a red light. One person moves forward, then the next person behind htem, then the next, and then....

WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE GOING THAT YOU NEED TO BE THERE IN SUCH A HURRY?!


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I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD!
NOW!
DOING ANYTHING!
EVERYTHING!
ONE PERSON AT A TIME.
WHATEVER IT TAKES.
WHY IS IT SO HARD?


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ON A FINAL NOTE. I want a significant other. As I type this, my roommate is on the phone with her boyfriend whom she calls "babe" constantly. It's annoying. But I want someone to call my own. At this point, I'm afraid of dating because 1) I have such high standards but also 2) whoever I date in college, if i lower standards, may most likely not be my significant other forever and that I don't want. I'd love to have a boyfriend for just a while... ANYTHING. It's getting frustrating. Everyone around me... my parents have started asking me consistently. I'm not aggressive when it comes to this. I like for them to come to me. I'm not making first move. That's dumb. They can do it. Maybe i'm intimidating? Hardly... I think?

Oh, well...


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