+Lent2010: the good way+

"Thus says the Lord: Stand at the crossroads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way lies; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls." (Jeremiah 6:16)

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(Because this is on my mind (and after all, what is a blog for than to say what's on your mind) I'm going to write about it yet again. It won't last long, I promise.)

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This scripture really rings some bells. As I'm thinking about JVC and where I feel God is calling me to serve, I find myself standing at the crossroads. Just standing there.

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The "ancient ways" God is speaking of refers to the covenant of Moses and its laws, which were to guide the religious and moral lives of the people. People have their opinions of where they want me to go. Some to Hartford, others to Hollywood. Those who want me in Hartford thinks is safer and the work is better for me. Those who are voting for Hollywood want to come visit me and think that work is better for me. Well guess what, folks? There is just as much danger in Hartford as there is in Hollywood. The work is very different but also very needed in both places. The ancient ways are telling me to go to the place where I will fulfill God's will for my life... that is the good way, after all. I think by walking in that good way we find rest because we have followed what God would have for our lives.

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Whenever we get off the beaten path and go down one road that we know God must not have been calling us to, we feel uneasy. That's how it was being at Cornerstone (three years ago-- holy cow!). I got to a point where I felt so down in the dumps and depressed and uneasy and I knew I had to transfer. I knew that just wasn't going to work. But the day I decided I was going to Elmhurst, I felt at ease. My heart was light, my burdens had been lifted, and life was good again.

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This must be what it means to follow the good path. So how do I do that with JVC? After all, I don't have nearly as much choice in the matter. Some, I suppose, but it isn't very clear. I feel called to one over the other now, but I don't know if that's how God feels.

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These feelings remind me of my favorite poem:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; .
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
. And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
. I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

(Robert Frost)

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I would love to travel both roads. I would love to go to Hollywood AND Hartford. But that's not right. And that's not fair. I'm looking all the way to the bend in the undergrowth trying to figure out which is best to me, but no matter how much I look, I won't be able to figure out exactly which one is right for me. There's always ambiguity. And when I take the other just as fair, it will be just as though I took the other because both will give me great life experience and I will learn so much from both. Then once I'm there, I will "doubt if I should ever come back" because it will have had such a huge impact on my life. Perhaps I will be ready to leave, but maybe not. Maybe my call will change. Who knows. But in the end I will be telling stories with a sigh, knowing all I have been through has shaped me into the person God is calling me to be. I am taking the road less traveled by just by being in the JVC. I can't go wrong with either organization. I know that.

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The Message says, "Discover the right route for your souls" (Jer. 6:16). Is Hollywood the right route for my soul? What about Hartford? I am praying constantly about this decision. Whatever happens will happen and it will be the right route for my soul.

+Lent2010: Be Not Afraid+

"The Lord is my light... whom shall I fear?" --Psalm 27

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I got my JVC options today. I get to interview with my 2nd and 8th choices. While I was hoping for my first or third, these will do. Now, this is really stretching it, but, here's my connection to Lent.

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I bet Jesus was bummed when he realized he was going to have to die to save humanity.

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I was bummed for a little while, but I'm not dying! I keep telling myself... Whatever happens, happens. It is what God wants and it's going to be great, challenging and amazing no matter what. I'm getting there. Let's hope I'm going to Hollywood! But if I'm going to Hartford, well, then, that will be fantastic too. I want to do JVC more than anything else right now. With that said, I have to go wherever I get accepted. "Here I am Lord, send me."

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I need not fear the future and the ambiguity that comes with it. "... whom shall I fear?" I don't need to fear my placement or the stuff that will happen during the year... growth comes from discomfort. I can do this. It will be awesome and life-changing.

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Bring it on.

+Lent2010: Faith+

One of the lectionary readings for today (courtesy of the PCUSA) is 1 Corinthians 2.1-13. Reading over it, a couple of verses seem to be really applicable today.

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(5) ...so that your faith might rest not on human wisdom but on the power of God... (9) But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him" - these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.

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Today I was waiting for an email from the Jesuit Volunteer Corps giving me the three organizations with which I will interview to decide where I will be placed next year. I have been checking my email non-stop waiting for it to arrive and say Inbox(1). However, I am checking even now at 10pm to no avail. This means I have two more days to sit and wait for it. They told me it would come between Wed. and Friday. And as my facebook status said today, I was "waiting impatiently!"

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However, the lectionary for today is a good reminder... I have no control over this. The more I think about it, the more I realize my faith in God falters a lot when it comes to these kinds of things. There's always something going on that I can't control and I fail to "surrender to God" all the time. At Cornerstone we always talked about giving something up to God... but I never really understood that to begin with. I get the concept, I don't know how to do it.

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I want the job in Sacramento.... so bad... It's one of those things that I think is a perfect fit... but that's exactly what the scripture is telling me... "rest on the power of God!.. the Spirit searches everything." So, God knows where I'm going next year. I just have three weeks until this grand plan is revealed to me. Haha. Thinking about this gives me this visual of God sending the Holy Spirit to all these places to check them all out so it can come back to God to give a report on which would be best for me.

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Leah said to me the other day (whenever I expressed my love for this job in Sacramento) that even if I don't get that one, wherever I go is going to be just as amazing and challenging as the others. It will be in a different way. And I reminded myself that if I don't get to go to Sacramento, I will be going wherever God wants and needs me.

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It is not my wisdom, but Gods. It is not by my power, but by Gods. I have no idea what is in store for me over the next few years... only God knows... and God has something amazing in the works. I believe this to be true.

+Lent2010: Love+

The Episcopal Lenten devotional I am reading daily raised a question I have never thought about before... So they (all of the NT writers, and God...) say that Jesus came to live among us and love us. Jesus loved us so much that he died for our sins, right? But what if Jesus didn't like us? I mean, he came to earth and experienced anger, fear, cruelty, greed, corruption, brutality...

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But Jesus still loved us. I suppose this gets into that debate over Jesus' divinity. Is Jesus 50% human and 50% divine? 100% Human and 100% divine or just one or the other? So many options! I still haven't found my own answer to this question (although I lean towards the second option...) but even in thinking about it, it begs the question: Even if Jesus was partially human, don't you suppose he got sick and tired of people being... people? A human's array of emotions is just ridiculous and the fact that we only see a few of those in Jesus (sadness, anger, joy) makes it seem like Jesus had to be more divine than human.

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It could be because Jesus is/was God and so therefore God has to love all people. But even God showed frustration with the Israelites back in the OT... I don't know. I'm stuck.

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The point to the devotional this morning was the fact that Jesus' message was to love God and then prove it by loving your neighbor as yourself... and I know I don't love my neighbor all the time. But his statement means I have to love myself before I can love my neighbor... and I don't know if I love myself. I don't know how one measures such a thing.

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hm.

+Lent2010: Awe+

The greatest insights happen to us in moments of awe.-- Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel

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So often the word "awesome" gets misused. I am a prime suspect, too. I always say something is "awesome" but does it really deserve it? I mean, if the greatest insights happen in moments of awe... when something is awe-worthy, it must have a major impact on someone or something.

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I know that for me, a lot of God moments come at awe-worthy times. The dictionary defines awe as: a feeling of reverential respect mixed with fear or wonder. Fear... OR... wonder. Fear in the Bible typically means "awe." So, what does that mean for us?

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When we come across something that is so incredible we feel God's presence... or we see an interaction between people that would otherwise seem so random.... or we see something of natural beauty which is nearly unfathomable... All of these are awe-producing. All of these, for me, are God moments. Of course God moments vary, but most recently, I was in a worship service that was so spirit filled, I knew God had to be there. It is those moments that are awesome...

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It wasn't something someone said or did... rather, those moments when I realize something because I feel God's presence... When I realize that this person is also a child of God even though they have been neglected for so long. When I realize that life is about so much more than homework. When I realize that God is present because I can feel it.

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What do you find awesome?