It's taken time, many years and places.
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people's faces..."
-Mary Sarton
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That is the quest for vocation in 21 words, Palmer tells us. It's so hard to be yourself when you see people all around you accomplishing what you want to accomplish... and being that kind of person you have always wanted to be. When we are young we are easily impressionable. We see others and do whatever we can to be them. After all, theologian Craig Barnes (from PTS) says our lives are not about what we do but who we are. So then, why not find someone we want to be like and take on their personality, sayings, mannerisms as our own? Well, because that isn't who God is calling us to be.
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Palmer quotes Rabbi Zusya who said, "In the coming world, they will not ask me: Why were you not Moses? They will ask me: Why were you not Zusya?" That's a good enough answer. Moses is not who God is calling EACH of us to be... ___(your name here)___ is who God is calling you to be. We are to be our true selves. In the quaker tradition, that true self is our inner light or "that of God." That's powerful... our TRUEST self... is that which is of God. Imago Dei...We were made in the image of God... ALL OF US... with each of our interests and thoughts and ideas... Now, THAT is a powerful God. A wonderful God. One that embodies all of creation. It is awe-some to say that I have the same God as my Cornerstone friends, my pre-seminary friends, my Muslim and Jewish friends, and others around the world. AWE-some.
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More on discernment... So Palmer talks about how we can find ourselves on our journey wearing other people's faces. I've done this. You've done this. We've all done it. It's stupid and sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it. I did this for three years... when I realized it, I didn't know what to do with myself. After I had already committed to something with my "face" I had this grand realization about my life... my life as a Christian... as a member of a community... and as a member of the United Church of Christ. I finally realized what it meant to really be.
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"The deepest vocational question is not 'What ought I do with my life?' It is the more elemental and demanding 'Who am I? What is my nature?'" (15). I was too busy figuring out what I was going to do with my life to figure out who I truly was. You cannot do unless you are.... Buechner's famous definition of vocation is "the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need." In oder to figure out how to meet the world's deepest need, you have to figure out your deep gladness. It doesn't work the other way around. In order to figure out who we are, we also have to figure out WHOSE we are. "God's. I am God's" I wrote next to that sentence in Palmers book (17). What a breathtaking idea. I am first a child of God.
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The second part of this chapter deals with the darkness that comes with a journey into vocation. A journey isn't all about ups..but it isn't only about downs either. The first time I read Palmer's book, he helped me recognize something I couldn't name... a fear of failure. He was afraid of failing in the scholarly world... his fear of failure was different from mine. At first, when I thought of transferring from Cornerstone, I thought... "Well, this sucks. I've failed at making decisions. I chose to go here and I am failing by transferring." How wrong I was. I realized that decision wasn't one of failure but one of life... life-giving opporutnity. I was getting a new start. In that time of being at CU, I "had denied my true self..." but if I had "[remained] "at my post" simply because I was paralyzed with fear, I would almost certainly be lost in bitterness today instead of" going where I needed to be to grow and develop into the person God is calling me to be (36).
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Every journey into vocation has the chance to bring us closer to matching our "deep gladness" with "the world's deep need." I've already had one of those journeys and there are only more to make-- JVC. Seminary. And then some.
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This whole process of discernment is spiritually exhausting, but totally worth it. I discerned JVC. I know it is going to be incredible and incredibly challenging all at the same time, but I am ready. The ambiguity of seminary right now is killing me but I know that by the time I get all my visits done this fall I will at least be closer to figuring it out. I mean, I'm closer now than I was a year ago. I didn't think I would be as far in the discernment process so soon... but here we are and I'm down to four seminaries.
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My time as a JV in Hollywood/LA will help me identify more of my deep gladness and more of the world's deep need. My time as a seminarian will help me with that too... However, first things first
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In the word's of Anne Lamott, we'll figure it out... "bird by bird"...
1 comment:
"That is the quest for vocation in 21 words, Palmer tells us. It's so hard to be yourself when you see people all around you accomplishing what you want to accomplish... and being that kind of person you have always wanted to be. When we are young we are easily impressionable. We see others and do whatever we can to be them. After all, theologian Craig Barnes (from PTS) says our lives are not about what we do but who we are. So then, why not find someone we want to be like and take on their personality, sayings, mannerisms as our own? Well, because that isn't who God is calling us to be."
best.
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